[ Annie had been hoping — expecting, really — that Eren would come after her. She craves the moments between them like it’s a physical need, and oh how she hates it. It’s more than the vulnerability, which yes, is as painfully uncomfortable as if she’d peeled her skin and allowed Eren to see her muscles and blood and viscera; mostly, it’s the knowledge that every moment she spends with him is a moment that she’ll regret later, when he’s gone inside a Titan’s mouth.
But isn’t it better to enjoy it now while it lasts?
It hadn’t taken much to get him to find her here, today. Just a long look and a little nod, as if no more words were necessary. As if he understood her, even without her having to say anything. And here he is. He closes the door behind her, and she turns to meet him. ]
What’s the matter?
[ Talking isn’t exactly the bulk of what they usually do, but hey. She’s more than willing to see where this goes. ]
[Talking certainly isn't the bulk off what they do-- And hey, speaking of which:]
Hold on. [He takes her arm - not a tight grip; just a suggestion, really. But he wants to kiss her, and he'll try to, if she lets him. It feels impossible not to when she's so close, and they get so little time to actually be alone. Sometimes Eren feels like he's waiting all day - multiple days, even - just to kiss her again.
[So, this first. A hand to her cheek, lips on lips, so long as she doesn't push him away.]
[ She raises an eyebrow at the hand on her arm, but makes no move to dislodge it. Even that point of contact is enough to make her traitorous heart pick up, as though it were their first time touching. Whatever Eren has to say, she thinks, it can’t possibly be more important than this. Eren’s hand is warm against her cheek, and despite herself, she leans into his palm as he moves to kiss her. It’s gentle, almost chaste, just the press of his mouth against hers — almost domestic, and Annie can picture, just for a moment, Eren coming home to her, greeting her with a kiss just like this one.
Nonsensically, she thinks that Reiner would have a heart attack if he could see her now.
But someone here has to have restraint, and it sure isn’t going to be Eren, so she pulls away just enough to speak, her lips still brushing his. ]
[Leave it to Eren to forget his grievances about two seconds into a good kiss. Kissing Annie almost does feel like coming home sometimes. He can picture it too; a simple life with a wife and a house, his enemies defeated. It could be real, maybe, one day; Eren doesn't much like to cling to that thought, though. There's still too much facing them. Humanity is at the brink of extinction, and he still hasn't been able to make a lick of difference. Soon, cadets will be expected to choose what branches they're joining; when Annie brings him back to his original point, he recalls this.
[He doesn't want to move away just yet, though. One more quick kiss while their lips are brushing. He puts his arms around her before he pulls his head away completely, and he looks at her. A lot of the cadet boys spend their time looking at Mikasa or Krista, but...he's always thought Annie looked really nice too.]
Yeah, well...[He doesn't let her go just yet. Maybe she'll push him off once they start talking, but until then...]
I've been thinking about you, you know. Still going after the Military Police and all that...
[He can't help but frown, a lopsided thing.]
We're really going to need your skills in the Survey Corps, Annie.
You oughta be a Scout. Really. I mean...
[There's a little shrug. He tries to force a smile.]
[ Eren takes a moment to just look at her, as though she’s something special and not a girl drenched in blood. She’s torn between wanting to tear away and scream I don’t deserve this, and wanting to stare into his eyes forever. He has this way of looking at her as though she’s the most important thing in the world, and it’s almost sickening. She almost hates it. Almost.
Is she a bad person, she wonders, for wanting this? Does this selfishness make her uniquely evil, or just human? Can she be blamed, when Eren’s arms are around her and she’s being held in a way that makes her feel like she could one day be something other than a monster? She doesn’t know, and it’s not like she can ask. So she enjoys the moment while it lasts, because it’s far more than she could ever deserve.
And then Eren starts talking, and her good — good by her standards, that is — mood evaporates. No matter what Eren says or how he pleads, she’s not going to join the Corps. She knows that. Either her, Reiner, and Bertholdt need to be available within the walls, and she’s the one best suited to the task of gathering information under the guise of a member of the Military Police. Reiner doesn’t have the subtlety, and Bertholdt doesn’t have the social skills. That had left her. But even if she’d had a choice, she still would have picked the MPs. She craves the safety of the walls. She needs to get back home safe and alive. That’s always been her goal. That’s why she’d let Marley turn her into a monster, so that she could do what needed to be done and return to her father, and if that makes her a coward? So be it.
She doesn’t fully pull away from Eren, but she takes a step back so that they aren’t pressed against each other. It’s more instinctive than anything else, a pressing need to be alone warring with her desire to be with him.
Her voice is measured, careful, as she responds. ]
What good could I do as a Scout? I’m just one person. I’d be eaten alive. [ Literally. ] And I’m not brave, not like you.
[ Besides, she thinks, though she can’t bring herself to say it. I can’t watch you die. ]
[It's not as though he was expecting a different answer, really, but the confirmation that her mind hasn't changed still stings. He doesn't want to see her go. He doesn't want to stop sharing the same space. He doesn't want her locked up in the interior while he's out risking his life, uncertain if he'll ever see her again.
[More than that, Eren has no respect for the Military Police. Annie's better than that. She isn't a coward, even though she says she's not brave. He wonders if she's trying to flatter him with that "not like you", but the idea only serves to irritate him. He doesn't want to be placated - especially by her.
[He still doesn't let go, though he feels as though Annie might. It stings before it can happen.]
You could do a lot of good, Annie. Way more than you can do sitting around in the interior.
You're strong. You're one of the best in the 104th. The rest of the top ten - they're all considering The Scouts now.
[ You can do good, Eren says, and Annie’s face hardens. What would he say instead if he knew what she had done? If he knew that she is the reason Eren’s mother is dead and that Wall Maria had fallen? She isn’t here to do good, she’s here to wipe out everyone on this forsaken island, and that makes her a murderer and a monster. She’s resigned to it, now; her fate is sealed. She’s going to help kill Eren and his friends and every single person here, and she will go home to her father. That’s all there is to it. ]
I can’t. [ It’s more true than he could ever know, she thinks. She can’t join the Scouts, can’t live out some utopian dream, can’t save what Eren thinks is all that’s left of humanity. ] I joined the 104th to go the interior, you know that. You can’t change my mind.
[ Her face twists into an ugly smile, one without any true humor. ] You’ll be better off without me anyways.
[In this moment, Eren thinks he hates that smile more than he's ever hated anything. He drops his arms from around Annie; seconds later though, he's taking her hand, even as an injured glare settles on his face.]
I don't want to be without you. [His voice goes quiet.] Ever.
[Pained, stormy green eyes beg the question: "Don't you love me too, Annie?"]
[ Oh. Oh. Eren couldn’t have hurt her more if he’d torn open her chest and physically crushed her heart. She can’t bring herself to move, even as she wants to yank her hand from Eren’s grip and flee. How does he have so much power over her, that he can just say something and leave he reeling like this?
He’s looking at her again, but instead of with adoration it’s now with desperation. It’s sickening, seeing that expression on someone as strong as Eren. Like the coward she is, she can’t bring herself to deny him, even though she knows that would be the right thing to do. She should cut him off, let him live his own life until she and Reiner and Bertoldt bring the walls down, but she’s not nearly strong enough for that. So she sighs, takes a deep breath, and gives Eren’s hand a squeeze. ]
No. I do want — this, you, but…
[ She trails off, but a moment later she continues, voice stronger. ]
[Eren hadn't noticed his eyes starting to well up with tears. It's an embarrassment once he does. Crying in front of Annie? He feels pathetic. But he'd been so sure that she was about to walk away, that this little argument would mean he'd lose her before she even had to go.
["We could make it work." He squeezes her hand. He still looks desperate; feels it too.]
[ He’s crying. Annie can’t bring herself to look at him, not with tears in his eyes and threatening to spill down his cheeks, so she focuses her gaze on the wall behind him instead. She’s never been good with crying, and if it were anyone other than Eren, any situation other than this one, she’d smack him upside the head and tell him to stop being a baby. But she can’t do that, not here, not to Eren, so she just doesn’t look at him. If she tries hard enough, maybe she’ll be able to pretend he’s fine. ]
I’m not going to be in the interior the whole time. And you won’t be outside the walls the whole time.
[ She shrugs, as though it isn’t a big deal. ] We’ll find ways to see each other.
[It's barely a balm. Annie isn't the most enthusiastic person on a good day (an understatement), but the fact that she's being so nonchalant stings somehow. Eren doesn't want to see her once a month for the quick few minutes they can. What if he does get hurt? She wouldn't even know. He wants to be beside her. He wants to find dark corners and steal hidden kisses. He wants to hold her, breathe her scent, catch rare smiles and feel as though gravity has disappeared.
[He wants her so badly.
[The tears have more or less stopped for the moment. He wipes stubbornly at his eyes, mortified.]
You really think that'll work? [He doesn't sound convinced.]
[ If there’s one thing Eren is, it’s stubborn. Annie should have known that he wouldn’t let this go, but she’d hoped he wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. As though she hasn’t already thought through every possible way she could get out of going to the interior while still returning home to her father.
Because that’s what this is about, in the end, isn’t it? Annie feels something for Eren, even if she can’t — or won’t — put a name to it, but she isn’t willing to sacrifice her father for whatever it is she has with Eren. But what if she could have both, if at least for a little? It’s an impossible thought, but oh how she wants.
She manages to look back at Eren, whose eyes are red-rimmed and puffy but mercifully tear-free. She’s a coward and a monster but in the end, she’s only human. ]
We could do it.
[ She takes a step towards Eren, putting a hand on his shoulder. One day, he will be a corpse and she will be at home with her father, but for now? She can have this. ] Plenty of people manage. I’ll write you when you’re away, and we’ll get to be together when you’re here. It’ll motivate you to come back safe.
[The grip on his shoulder is grounding; Annie is grounding. They butt heads often - always have - but at the end of the day, she knows how to calm Eren. It's not a skill that anyone else seems to have the hang of. He places his hand over the one on his shoulder, lightly gripping her wrist. His other hand goes to her face again, gently cupping it.
[ Annie welcomes the touch, eyes sliding shut as she turns her head to the side to press a kiss against Eren’s palm. How can she possibly regret her decision when he’s holding her like this? How can she even think about her mission?
That something that wraps itself around her heart in moments like these stirs, filling her chest as she just…stands there with him, for a second.
When she speaks again, it’s tremulous, almost uncharacteristically hesitant. ] And I’ll be here. Waiting for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But isn’t it better to enjoy it now while it lasts?
It hadn’t taken much to get him to find her here, today. Just a long look and a little nod, as if no more words were necessary. As if he understood her, even without her having to say anything. And here he is. He closes the door behind her, and she turns to meet him. ]
What’s the matter?
[ Talking isn’t exactly the bulk of what they usually do, but hey. She’s more than willing to see where this goes. ]
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Hold on. [He takes her arm - not a tight grip; just a suggestion, really. But he wants to kiss her, and he'll try to, if she lets him. It feels impossible not to when she's so close, and they get so little time to actually be alone. Sometimes Eren feels like he's waiting all day - multiple days, even - just to kiss her again.
[So, this first. A hand to her cheek, lips on lips, so long as she doesn't push him away.]
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Nonsensically, she thinks that Reiner would have a heart attack if he could see her now.
But someone here has to have restraint, and it sure isn’t going to be Eren, so she pulls away just enough to speak, her lips still brushing his. ]
You had something you wanted to talk about?
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[He doesn't want to move away just yet, though. One more quick kiss while their lips are brushing. He puts his arms around her before he pulls his head away completely, and he looks at her. A lot of the cadet boys spend their time looking at Mikasa or Krista, but...he's always thought Annie looked really nice too.]
Yeah, well...[He doesn't let her go just yet. Maybe she'll push him off once they start talking, but until then...]
I've been thinking about you, you know. Still going after the Military Police and all that...
[He can't help but frown, a lopsided thing.]
We're really going to need your skills in the Survey Corps, Annie.
You oughta be a Scout. Really. I mean...
[There's a little shrug. He tries to force a smile.]
That's where I'll be.
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Is she a bad person, she wonders, for wanting this? Does this selfishness make her uniquely evil, or just human? Can she be blamed, when Eren’s arms are around her and she’s being held in a way that makes her feel like she could one day be something other than a monster? She doesn’t know, and it’s not like she can ask. So she enjoys the moment while it lasts, because it’s far more than she could ever deserve.
And then Eren starts talking, and her good — good by her standards, that is — mood evaporates. No matter what Eren says or how he pleads, she’s not going to join the Corps. She knows that. Either her, Reiner, and Bertholdt need to be available within the walls, and she’s the one best suited to the task of gathering information under the guise of a member of the Military Police. Reiner doesn’t have the subtlety, and Bertholdt doesn’t have the social skills. That had left her. But even if she’d had a choice, she still would have picked the MPs. She craves the safety of the walls. She needs to get back home safe and alive. That’s always been her goal. That’s why she’d let Marley turn her into a monster, so that she could do what needed to be done and return to her father, and if that makes her a coward? So be it.
She doesn’t fully pull away from Eren, but she takes a step back so that they aren’t pressed against each other. It’s more instinctive than anything else, a pressing need to be alone warring with her desire to be with him.
Her voice is measured, careful, as she responds. ]
What good could I do as a Scout? I’m just one person. I’d be eaten alive. [ Literally. ] And I’m not brave, not like you.
[ Besides, she thinks, though she can’t bring herself to say it. I can’t watch you die. ]
no subject
[More than that, Eren has no respect for the Military Police. Annie's better than that. She isn't a coward, even though she says she's not brave. He wonders if she's trying to flatter him with that "not like you", but the idea only serves to irritate him. He doesn't want to be placated - especially by her.
[He still doesn't let go, though he feels as though Annie might. It stings before it can happen.]
You could do a lot of good, Annie. Way more than you can do sitting around in the interior.
You're strong. You're one of the best in the 104th. The rest of the top ten - they're all considering The Scouts now.
[...]
We should stick together.
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I can’t. [ It’s more true than he could ever know, she thinks. She can’t join the Scouts, can’t live out some utopian dream, can’t save what Eren thinks is all that’s left of humanity. ] I joined the 104th to go the interior, you know that. You can’t change my mind.
[ Her face twists into an ugly smile, one without any true humor. ] You’ll be better off without me anyways.
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I don't want to be without you. [His voice goes quiet.] Ever.
[Pained, stormy green eyes beg the question: "Don't you love me too, Annie?"]
Don't you want this...?
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He’s looking at her again, but instead of with adoration it’s now with desperation. It’s sickening, seeing that expression on someone as strong as Eren. Like the coward she is, she can’t bring herself to deny him, even though she knows that would be the right thing to do. She should cut him off, let him live his own life until she and Reiner and Bertoldt bring the walls down, but she’s not nearly strong enough for that. So she sighs, takes a deep breath, and gives Eren’s hand a squeeze. ]
No. I do want — this, you, but…
[ She trails off, but a moment later she continues, voice stronger. ]
We could make it work.
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["We could make it work." He squeezes her hand. He still looks desperate; feels it too.]
Yeah? How do you figure...?
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I’m not going to be in the interior the whole time. And you won’t be outside the walls the whole time.
[ She shrugs, as though it isn’t a big deal. ] We’ll find ways to see each other.
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[He wants her so badly.
[The tears have more or less stopped for the moment. He wipes stubbornly at his eyes, mortified.]
You really think that'll work? [He doesn't sound convinced.]
I don't know, Annie...
[There's a pause.]
You know...
I'd really miss you.
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Because that’s what this is about, in the end, isn’t it? Annie feels something for Eren, even if she can’t — or won’t — put a name to it, but she isn’t willing to sacrifice her father for whatever it is she has with Eren. But what if she could have both, if at least for a little? It’s an impossible thought, but oh how she wants.
She manages to look back at Eren, whose eyes are red-rimmed and puffy but mercifully tear-free. She’s a coward and a monster but in the end, she’s only human. ]
We could do it.
[ She takes a step towards Eren, putting a hand on his shoulder. One day, he will be a corpse and she will be at home with her father, but for now? She can have this. ] Plenty of people manage. I’ll write you when you’re away, and we’ll get to be together when you’re here. It’ll motivate you to come back safe.
may have uploaded this icon just for this psl
[He loves her.]
I'll come back for you. Every time.
my HEART
That something that wraps itself around her heart in moments like these stirs, filling her chest as she just…stands there with him, for a second.
When she speaks again, it’s tremulous, almost uncharacteristically hesitant. ] And I’ll be here. Waiting for you.