[In this moment, Eren thinks he hates that smile more than he's ever hated anything. He drops his arms from around Annie; seconds later though, he's taking her hand, even as an injured glare settles on his face.]
I don't want to be without you. [His voice goes quiet.] Ever.
[Pained, stormy green eyes beg the question: "Don't you love me too, Annie?"]
[ Oh. Oh. Eren couldn’t have hurt her more if he’d torn open her chest and physically crushed her heart. She can’t bring herself to move, even as she wants to yank her hand from Eren’s grip and flee. How does he have so much power over her, that he can just say something and leave he reeling like this?
He’s looking at her again, but instead of with adoration it’s now with desperation. It’s sickening, seeing that expression on someone as strong as Eren. Like the coward she is, she can’t bring herself to deny him, even though she knows that would be the right thing to do. She should cut him off, let him live his own life until she and Reiner and Bertoldt bring the walls down, but she’s not nearly strong enough for that. So she sighs, takes a deep breath, and gives Eren’s hand a squeeze. ]
No. I do want — this, you, but…
[ She trails off, but a moment later she continues, voice stronger. ]
[Eren hadn't noticed his eyes starting to well up with tears. It's an embarrassment once he does. Crying in front of Annie? He feels pathetic. But he'd been so sure that she was about to walk away, that this little argument would mean he'd lose her before she even had to go.
["We could make it work." He squeezes her hand. He still looks desperate; feels it too.]
[ He’s crying. Annie can’t bring herself to look at him, not with tears in his eyes and threatening to spill down his cheeks, so she focuses her gaze on the wall behind him instead. She’s never been good with crying, and if it were anyone other than Eren, any situation other than this one, she’d smack him upside the head and tell him to stop being a baby. But she can’t do that, not here, not to Eren, so she just doesn’t look at him. If she tries hard enough, maybe she’ll be able to pretend he’s fine. ]
I’m not going to be in the interior the whole time. And you won’t be outside the walls the whole time.
[ She shrugs, as though it isn’t a big deal. ] We’ll find ways to see each other.
[It's barely a balm. Annie isn't the most enthusiastic person on a good day (an understatement), but the fact that she's being so nonchalant stings somehow. Eren doesn't want to see her once a month for the quick few minutes they can. What if he does get hurt? She wouldn't even know. He wants to be beside her. He wants to find dark corners and steal hidden kisses. He wants to hold her, breathe her scent, catch rare smiles and feel as though gravity has disappeared.
[He wants her so badly.
[The tears have more or less stopped for the moment. He wipes stubbornly at his eyes, mortified.]
You really think that'll work? [He doesn't sound convinced.]
[ If there’s one thing Eren is, it’s stubborn. Annie should have known that he wouldn’t let this go, but she’d hoped he wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. As though she hasn’t already thought through every possible way she could get out of going to the interior while still returning home to her father.
Because that’s what this is about, in the end, isn’t it? Annie feels something for Eren, even if she can’t — or won’t — put a name to it, but she isn’t willing to sacrifice her father for whatever it is she has with Eren. But what if she could have both, if at least for a little? It’s an impossible thought, but oh how she wants.
She manages to look back at Eren, whose eyes are red-rimmed and puffy but mercifully tear-free. She’s a coward and a monster but in the end, she’s only human. ]
We could do it.
[ She takes a step towards Eren, putting a hand on his shoulder. One day, he will be a corpse and she will be at home with her father, but for now? She can have this. ] Plenty of people manage. I’ll write you when you’re away, and we’ll get to be together when you’re here. It’ll motivate you to come back safe.
[The grip on his shoulder is grounding; Annie is grounding. They butt heads often - always have - but at the end of the day, she knows how to calm Eren. It's not a skill that anyone else seems to have the hang of. He places his hand over the one on his shoulder, lightly gripping her wrist. His other hand goes to her face again, gently cupping it.
[ Annie welcomes the touch, eyes sliding shut as she turns her head to the side to press a kiss against Eren’s palm. How can she possibly regret her decision when he’s holding her like this? How can she even think about her mission?
That something that wraps itself around her heart in moments like these stirs, filling her chest as she just…stands there with him, for a second.
When she speaks again, it’s tremulous, almost uncharacteristically hesitant. ] And I’ll be here. Waiting for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I don't want to be without you. [His voice goes quiet.] Ever.
[Pained, stormy green eyes beg the question: "Don't you love me too, Annie?"]
Don't you want this...?
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He’s looking at her again, but instead of with adoration it’s now with desperation. It’s sickening, seeing that expression on someone as strong as Eren. Like the coward she is, she can’t bring herself to deny him, even though she knows that would be the right thing to do. She should cut him off, let him live his own life until she and Reiner and Bertoldt bring the walls down, but she’s not nearly strong enough for that. So she sighs, takes a deep breath, and gives Eren’s hand a squeeze. ]
No. I do want — this, you, but…
[ She trails off, but a moment later she continues, voice stronger. ]
We could make it work.
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["We could make it work." He squeezes her hand. He still looks desperate; feels it too.]
Yeah? How do you figure...?
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I’m not going to be in the interior the whole time. And you won’t be outside the walls the whole time.
[ She shrugs, as though it isn’t a big deal. ] We’ll find ways to see each other.
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[He wants her so badly.
[The tears have more or less stopped for the moment. He wipes stubbornly at his eyes, mortified.]
You really think that'll work? [He doesn't sound convinced.]
I don't know, Annie...
[There's a pause.]
You know...
I'd really miss you.
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Because that’s what this is about, in the end, isn’t it? Annie feels something for Eren, even if she can’t — or won’t — put a name to it, but she isn’t willing to sacrifice her father for whatever it is she has with Eren. But what if she could have both, if at least for a little? It’s an impossible thought, but oh how she wants.
She manages to look back at Eren, whose eyes are red-rimmed and puffy but mercifully tear-free. She’s a coward and a monster but in the end, she’s only human. ]
We could do it.
[ She takes a step towards Eren, putting a hand on his shoulder. One day, he will be a corpse and she will be at home with her father, but for now? She can have this. ] Plenty of people manage. I’ll write you when you’re away, and we’ll get to be together when you’re here. It’ll motivate you to come back safe.
may have uploaded this icon just for this psl
[He loves her.]
I'll come back for you. Every time.
my HEART
That something that wraps itself around her heart in moments like these stirs, filling her chest as she just…stands there with him, for a second.
When she speaks again, it’s tremulous, almost uncharacteristically hesitant. ] And I’ll be here. Waiting for you.