![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[He's a shadow of the Eren she saw that night at the marketplace dance. "I'm a soldier," he told her; at fifteen, he looks like one, seated on some ledge the universe created for him, eyes as dull as they are bloodshot. He's not looking at Aubrey. His gaze is faraway, pointing somewhere between the ground and the distance.]
Sacrifice.
Sacrifice.
[She’s concerned immediately. Just about enough to ignore the game from start, but the universe won’t allow that; so Aubrey joins him, with a tentative slowness, on the ledge. Heights don’t scare her.]
[So long as he’s not startled, she’ll stay there. And even then…]
…Tragedy.
[“Fault”…?]
[Are they close enough t— Oh, hell with that. Aubrey reaches for his hand, just to lay hers over it.]
Responsible…?
[…Ah.
[She can’t pretend to know, and there’s only so much she can ask. Does she really need details, though?
[How could they put him through that?]
Why…?
[Trust…ed the wrong person? The wrong plan?]
Yours?
[He feels like he could shatter at any minute. His fists ball up on his knees, gripping at the fabric of his pants.
[The universe unmercifully relents long enough for Eren to get more than a word out.]
I trusted them.
They all...
[He clams up again, whether by virtue of the universe's rules, or by virtue of his own shame.]
[The universe unmercifully relents long enough for Eren to get more than a word out.]
I trusted them.
They all...
[He clams up again, whether by virtue of the universe's rules, or by virtue of his own shame.]
[It doesn’t sound much like a sacrifice anymore. But context remains missing, and he clearly feels responsible....]
It’s not… your fault, for having faith in people.
Wrong.
[Lifting his head again, he glares at her; there are tears brimming in his eyes.]
They all died because of me. You don't get it. I could have saved them and I didn't - I didn't because they asked me to trust them. And I did trust them. And now they're a-all--
[He chokes on his words, sucking in a breath that sounds more like a backwards sob.]
Sh-shit...
[Lifting his head again, he glares at her; there are tears brimming in his eyes.]
They all died because of me. You don't get it. I could have saved them and I didn't - I didn't because they asked me to trust them. And I did trust them. And now they're a-all--
[He chokes on his words, sucking in a breath that sounds more like a backwards sob.]
Sh-shit...
[He’s right, she doesn’t get it. Not the military life, and not how Eren’s failure to save them makes him responsible. But Aubrey does get lashing out from grief (oh, does she understand that), so his glare only momentarily phases her.]
You can cry. [The words are blunt; the tone is soft.] Just… let it out.
[The permission is all it takes. Eren curls forward until his face is buried in his knees, his arms crossed stubbornly over them. He sobs. It's such a terribly young-sounding cry; he's only fifteen years old. And the longer he cries, the smaller he sounds.
[The emotion rapidly gives way to anger.]
That bitch! [His hands come up to curl in his hair now, tugging roughly in frustration. He's tempted to start beating at his own skull.]
Traitor. And we don't even know who. Their deaths meant nothing - they meant nothing!
[The emotion rapidly gives way to anger.]
That bitch! [His hands come up to curl in his hair now, tugging roughly in frustration. He's tempted to start beating at his own skull.]
Traitor. And we don't even know who. Their deaths meant nothing - they meant nothing!
[It’s such a terrible thing to watch, to hear. He’s just a kid. War spares no one, but his world’s seems especially cruel. Aubrey wants to reach out again, but when he startled the first time and they’re still sitting on a ledge…]
[His emotions shift before she can make up her mind. She watches his hands carefully; anger like this is never kind inside or out. If he draws blood at any point Aubrey will reach for them immediately—but for now, she simply listens.]
[Of course their deaths meant nothing. It’s hard to justify no matter what…]
It’s terrible.
[A thought to herself, compulsion giving it voice:] You shouldn’t have had to carry that…
[Mercifully, he releases the grip on his hair before he can start tearing it out; he doesn't look any less calm, any more soothed.]
It's no one's but mine to carry, Aubrey...
You don't know what I'm capable of. I could have saved them. I should have...
It's no one's but mine to carry, Aubrey...
You don't know what I'm capable of. I could have saved them. I should have...
[He really, objectively may be right, is the thing. At the same time…]
Does that help anyone, now? [There’s a frustration to it; it’s not for Eren, really.] What’s done is done. But…
[She reaches for his hands, to hold them firm; one in each of her own. It’s a self-reminder, too, to stay present. Talking about the long term can only sound demeaning when the wound’s fresh.] I know guilt. I know guilt—can you trust me on that?
[It's not that it sounds demeaning, really - maybe dismissive is a better word - but Aubrey takes Eren's hands before he can get angry again. It surprises him; it grounds him. He squeezes them both without thinking, hot tears still fresh in his eyes.
["Can you trust me on that?"]
Of course...
["Can you trust me on that?"]
Of course...
[It's nice out today - nice enough that the other cadets are lagging on coming in from outside. They've decided to make the best of the weather and their break time, opting to mess around on the field instead of resting. It took Eren some work to get Mikasa not to follow him, but she definitely isn't suited for what happens when he and Annie manage to get behind closed doors.
[Of course Annie would be in the barracks already; of course she wouldn't be participating in whatever childish nonsense their comrades are getting into. Eren's glad they're alone, closing the door behind him; you wouldn't be able to tell by his face, though. It's uncharacteristically stern.]
Hey. I thought you'd be in here.
I wanna talk to you about something.
[Of course Annie would be in the barracks already; of course she wouldn't be participating in whatever childish nonsense their comrades are getting into. Eren's glad they're alone, closing the door behind him; you wouldn't be able to tell by his face, though. It's uncharacteristically stern.]
Hey. I thought you'd be in here.
I wanna talk to you about something.
[ Annie had been hoping — expecting, really — that Eren would come after her. She craves the moments between them like it’s a physical need, and oh how she hates it. It’s more than the vulnerability, which yes, is as painfully uncomfortable as if she’d peeled her skin and allowed Eren to see her muscles and blood and viscera; mostly, it’s the knowledge that every moment she spends with him is a moment that she’ll regret later, when he’s gone inside a Titan’s mouth.
But isn’t it better to enjoy it now while it lasts?
It hadn’t taken much to get him to find her here, today. Just a long look and a little nod, as if no more words were necessary. As if he understood her, even without her having to say anything. And here he is. He closes the door behind her, and she turns to meet him. ]
What’s the matter?
[ Talking isn’t exactly the bulk of what they usually do, but hey. She’s more than willing to see where this goes. ]
But isn’t it better to enjoy it now while it lasts?
It hadn’t taken much to get him to find her here, today. Just a long look and a little nod, as if no more words were necessary. As if he understood her, even without her having to say anything. And here he is. He closes the door behind her, and she turns to meet him. ]
What’s the matter?
[ Talking isn’t exactly the bulk of what they usually do, but hey. She’s more than willing to see where this goes. ]
[Talking certainly isn't the bulk off what they do-- And hey, speaking of which:]
Hold on. [He takes her arm - not a tight grip; just a suggestion, really. But he wants to kiss her, and he'll try to, if she lets him. It feels impossible not to when she's so close, and they get so little time to actually be alone. Sometimes Eren feels like he's waiting all day - multiple days, even - just to kiss her again.
[So, this first. A hand to her cheek, lips on lips, so long as she doesn't push him away.]
Hold on. [He takes her arm - not a tight grip; just a suggestion, really. But he wants to kiss her, and he'll try to, if she lets him. It feels impossible not to when she's so close, and they get so little time to actually be alone. Sometimes Eren feels like he's waiting all day - multiple days, even - just to kiss her again.
[So, this first. A hand to her cheek, lips on lips, so long as she doesn't push him away.]
[ She raises an eyebrow at the hand on her arm, but makes no move to dislodge it. Even that point of contact is enough to make her traitorous heart pick up, as though it were their first time touching. Whatever Eren has to say, she thinks, it can’t possibly be more important than this. Eren’s hand is warm against her cheek, and despite herself, she leans into his palm as he moves to kiss her. It’s gentle, almost chaste, just the press of his mouth against hers — almost domestic, and Annie can picture, just for a moment, Eren coming home to her, greeting her with a kiss just like this one.
Nonsensically, she thinks that Reiner would have a heart attack if he could see her now.
But someone here has to have restraint, and it sure isn’t going to be Eren, so she pulls away just enough to speak, her lips still brushing his. ]
You had something you wanted to talk about?
Nonsensically, she thinks that Reiner would have a heart attack if he could see her now.
But someone here has to have restraint, and it sure isn’t going to be Eren, so she pulls away just enough to speak, her lips still brushing his. ]
You had something you wanted to talk about?
[Leave it to Eren to forget his grievances about two seconds into a good kiss. Kissing Annie almost does feel like coming home sometimes. He can picture it too; a simple life with a wife and a house, his enemies defeated. It could be real, maybe, one day; Eren doesn't much like to cling to that thought, though. There's still too much facing them. Humanity is at the brink of extinction, and he still hasn't been able to make a lick of difference. Soon, cadets will be expected to choose what branches they're joining; when Annie brings him back to his original point, he recalls this.
[He doesn't want to move away just yet, though. One more quick kiss while their lips are brushing. He puts his arms around her before he pulls his head away completely, and he looks at her. A lot of the cadet boys spend their time looking at Mikasa or Krista, but...he's always thought Annie looked really nice too.]
Yeah, well...[He doesn't let her go just yet. Maybe she'll push him off once they start talking, but until then...]
I've been thinking about you, you know. Still going after the Military Police and all that...
[He can't help but frown, a lopsided thing.]
We're really going to need your skills in the Survey Corps, Annie.
You oughta be a Scout. Really. I mean...
[There's a little shrug. He tries to force a smile.]
That's where I'll be.
[He doesn't want to move away just yet, though. One more quick kiss while their lips are brushing. He puts his arms around her before he pulls his head away completely, and he looks at her. A lot of the cadet boys spend their time looking at Mikasa or Krista, but...he's always thought Annie looked really nice too.]
Yeah, well...[He doesn't let her go just yet. Maybe she'll push him off once they start talking, but until then...]
I've been thinking about you, you know. Still going after the Military Police and all that...
[He can't help but frown, a lopsided thing.]
We're really going to need your skills in the Survey Corps, Annie.
You oughta be a Scout. Really. I mean...
[There's a little shrug. He tries to force a smile.]
That's where I'll be.
[ Eren takes a moment to just look at her, as though she’s something special and not a girl drenched in blood. She’s torn between wanting to tear away and scream I don’t deserve this, and wanting to stare into his eyes forever. He has this way of looking at her as though she’s the most important thing in the world, and it’s almost sickening. She almost hates it. Almost.
Is she a bad person, she wonders, for wanting this? Does this selfishness make her uniquely evil, or just human? Can she be blamed, when Eren’s arms are around her and she’s being held in a way that makes her feel like she could one day be something other than a monster? She doesn’t know, and it’s not like she can ask. So she enjoys the moment while it lasts, because it’s far more than she could ever deserve.
And then Eren starts talking, and her good — good by her standards, that is — mood evaporates. No matter what Eren says or how he pleads, she’s not going to join the Corps. She knows that. Either her, Reiner, and Bertholdt need to be available within the walls, and she’s the one best suited to the task of gathering information under the guise of a member of the Military Police. Reiner doesn’t have the subtlety, and Bertholdt doesn’t have the social skills. That had left her. But even if she’d had a choice, she still would have picked the MPs. She craves the safety of the walls. She needs to get back home safe and alive. That’s always been her goal. That’s why she’d let Marley turn her into a monster, so that she could do what needed to be done and return to her father, and if that makes her a coward? So be it.
She doesn’t fully pull away from Eren, but she takes a step back so that they aren’t pressed against each other. It’s more instinctive than anything else, a pressing need to be alone warring with her desire to be with him.
Her voice is measured, careful, as she responds. ]
What good could I do as a Scout? I’m just one person. I’d be eaten alive. [ Literally. ] And I’m not brave, not like you.
[ Besides, she thinks, though she can’t bring herself to say it. I can’t watch you die. ]
Is she a bad person, she wonders, for wanting this? Does this selfishness make her uniquely evil, or just human? Can she be blamed, when Eren’s arms are around her and she’s being held in a way that makes her feel like she could one day be something other than a monster? She doesn’t know, and it’s not like she can ask. So she enjoys the moment while it lasts, because it’s far more than she could ever deserve.
And then Eren starts talking, and her good — good by her standards, that is — mood evaporates. No matter what Eren says or how he pleads, she’s not going to join the Corps. She knows that. Either her, Reiner, and Bertholdt need to be available within the walls, and she’s the one best suited to the task of gathering information under the guise of a member of the Military Police. Reiner doesn’t have the subtlety, and Bertholdt doesn’t have the social skills. That had left her. But even if she’d had a choice, she still would have picked the MPs. She craves the safety of the walls. She needs to get back home safe and alive. That’s always been her goal. That’s why she’d let Marley turn her into a monster, so that she could do what needed to be done and return to her father, and if that makes her a coward? So be it.
She doesn’t fully pull away from Eren, but she takes a step back so that they aren’t pressed against each other. It’s more instinctive than anything else, a pressing need to be alone warring with her desire to be with him.
Her voice is measured, careful, as she responds. ]
What good could I do as a Scout? I’m just one person. I’d be eaten alive. [ Literally. ] And I’m not brave, not like you.
[ Besides, she thinks, though she can’t bring herself to say it. I can’t watch you die. ]
[It's not as though he was expecting a different answer, really, but the confirmation that her mind hasn't changed still stings. He doesn't want to see her go. He doesn't want to stop sharing the same space. He doesn't want her locked up in the interior while he's out risking his life, uncertain if he'll ever see her again.
[More than that, Eren has no respect for the Military Police. Annie's better than that. She isn't a coward, even though she says she's not brave. He wonders if she's trying to flatter him with that "not like you", but the idea only serves to irritate him. He doesn't want to be placated - especially by her.
[He still doesn't let go, though he feels as though Annie might. It stings before it can happen.]
You could do a lot of good, Annie. Way more than you can do sitting around in the interior.
You're strong. You're one of the best in the 104th. The rest of the top ten - they're all considering The Scouts now.
[...]
We should stick together.
[More than that, Eren has no respect for the Military Police. Annie's better than that. She isn't a coward, even though she says she's not brave. He wonders if she's trying to flatter him with that "not like you", but the idea only serves to irritate him. He doesn't want to be placated - especially by her.
[He still doesn't let go, though he feels as though Annie might. It stings before it can happen.]
You could do a lot of good, Annie. Way more than you can do sitting around in the interior.
You're strong. You're one of the best in the 104th. The rest of the top ten - they're all considering The Scouts now.
[...]
We should stick together.
[ You can do good, Eren says, and Annie’s face hardens. What would he say instead if he knew what she had done? If he knew that she is the reason Eren’s mother is dead and that Wall Maria had fallen? She isn’t here to do good, she’s here to wipe out everyone on this forsaken island, and that makes her a murderer and a monster. She’s resigned to it, now; her fate is sealed. She’s going to help kill Eren and his friends and every single person here, and she will go home to her father. That’s all there is to it. ]
I can’t. [ It’s more true than he could ever know, she thinks. She can’t join the Scouts, can’t live out some utopian dream, can’t save what Eren thinks is all that’s left of humanity. ] I joined the 104th to go the interior, you know that. You can’t change my mind.
[ Her face twists into an ugly smile, one without any true humor. ] You’ll be better off without me anyways.
I can’t. [ It’s more true than he could ever know, she thinks. She can’t join the Scouts, can’t live out some utopian dream, can’t save what Eren thinks is all that’s left of humanity. ] I joined the 104th to go the interior, you know that. You can’t change my mind.
[ Her face twists into an ugly smile, one without any true humor. ] You’ll be better off without me anyways.
Page 1 of 9