[Ever persistent. It was a half-hearted effort regardless.
[Eren struggles equally with regaining his sense of reality as he does with trying to remember what he has and hasn't already told Maruki. Jean and Mikasa are used to him getting up in the middle of the night by now. He lets himself outside, sinking onto the porch and curling over his device.]
I don't know where to start. [An honest, exhausted answer.]
[ Unfortunately, it's true. He could see what Akechi saw or worse, every single night, and he'd still have this dogged persistence to help. In fact, it would only strengthen his resolve. ]
80%. You told me over dinner.
Nothing changed then, and nothing changes now. I stand by what I said: You can't hold your choices against yourself forever. The people you did that to save don't hold it against you.
I'm glad I was able to see it myself, even if only in part.
My head is such a goddamn mess. I can't remember what I told you and what I didn't. Half the time I can't even remember where or when I am.
So, you know, and you don't give a shit. Fine. I get it. But you still haven't seen what I saw, and you're never going to know how it feels.
I didn't want you to have to see that. It's bad enough I have to tell you with words.
[God, it feels like the most pathetic pity party he's ever thrown. Why should he get to sit around and bitch that it hurts oh-so-bad he destroyed the people that he loves. He wasn't meant to have to face that, and maybe Reiner was wrong - he is a coward.]
It's okay. It's my job to remember. You can tell me the same thing over and over, I don't mind.
[ The bit about being displaced from time and space is... concerning. But he'll deal with that later. ]
Please don't mistake my acceptance for apathy. It's not that I don't give a shit. Not at all.
But what will it do for either of us if I reject your reality? That happened to you. You did that. My feelings on that don't matter - I accept you as you are, regardless of anything, and we move forward from there.
And candidly, Eren-kun, you torment yourself about this enough. You don't need anyone else doing it for you.
The person in the world who has done the worst things imaginable is just as deserving of healing as anyone else.
I'm sure I've told you I was a researcher before I became a counselor.
Someone I cared about very much was the victim of a terrible crime. It changed our lives forever.
My research was already focusing on how to directly heal emotional wounds, and I realized... Criminals and other people who do bad things aren't born evil. Their hearts have become twisted and distorted by the pains they've suffered themselves. It's a cycle that repeats.
I wanted to use my research to cure those distortions. It wouldn't change what the criminals had already done, but it would let them atone and lead more fulfilling lives going forward.
What if they caused their own pain? What if they did it to themselves?
[Something he's sure Maruki will never understand, because he's sure he'll never be able to explain. Armin didn't make him. He told Eren they could just talk about something else.]
You're a good person. All you do is help people. Someone you cared about got hurt, so you tried to help everyone else. I just can't understand something like that. When the people I love get hurt, all I want to do is kill the person who hurt them.
[ Even obliquely referencing Rumi has him sitting with his head between his knees to try not to be sick. Worth it if it gets through to Eren, but still! Not great!! The messages take longer to come through. ]
Good question, same answer. Nothing changes. Whether the pain was inflicted on you by others, society, or yourself, my stance doesn't waver. You still deserve to be able to heal from it and move on.
I'm sure it sounds like air headed nonsense, and I don't mind if you try to challenge it, but I want to be very honest with you, Eren-kun. It's the foundation of everything I have ever done.
You deserve happiness. Everyone deserves happiness. No matter what.
And, well, hah. That's why you were a soldier and I was a cognitive psientist. Different skills and different responses to stimuli. It doesn't make either of us better or worse than the other.
[ Oh good, back onto topics he can comfortably be entirely, sincerely truthful about. ]
Why shouldn't you matter to me? Everyone does.
I don't know how to explain it simpler to that. My own reality or this strange one... everyone in it matters deeply to me. That's not conditional of anything.
But as for you specifically: I don't only care about you because it's my job. I could tell right away that you have a huge heart that's been hardened by an unjust world. I can empathize with that. You're perseverant, and honest, and you care more than you think you let on. All qualities I admire.
It's fine if you don't believe me just yet, but if you can try to take what I'm saying at face value, that would be a start.
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peak dramatic teen hours
What do you want me to say?
You’ve seen it now. Just stay away from me. That’s fine.
[Because that’s totally why he’s reaching out, Eren. To make you feel like shit and then disappear.
[Well, that’s what he’s always said he deserves, right? He shouldn’t have trusted him.]
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You already know I'm not staying away from you.
I'm trying to understand WHAT I saw.
I'm not upset! Just confused.
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[Eren struggles equally with regaining his sense of reality as he does with trying to remember what he has and hasn't already told Maruki. Jean and Mikasa are used to him getting up in the middle of the night by now. He lets himself outside, sinking onto the porch and curling over his device.]
I don't know where to start. [An honest, exhausted answer.]
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Let me start here... Were you trying to protect me, at the end?
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You were never in danger.
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Thank you.
You know... Maybe this is presumptuous to say, but I'd regret not saying it...
There's nothing that dream could have shown me that would make me give up on you.
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It is presumptuous. You can't know that.
[He didn't see what Akechi saw.]
I did that, Maruki.
[Is this where it all comes out? It's too soon; not soon enough.]
I sent those titans on a march across the globe until they stomped almost every last inch of it flat.
How much of humanity do you think got crushed, Maruki? Give me a number. A percentage.
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80%. You told me over dinner.
Nothing changed then, and nothing changes now. I stand by what I said: You can't hold your choices against yourself forever. The people you did that to save don't hold it against you.
I'm glad I was able to see it myself, even if only in part.
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My head is such a goddamn mess. I can't remember what I told you and what I didn't. Half the time I can't even remember where or when I am.
So, you know, and you don't give a shit. Fine. I get it. But you still haven't seen what I saw, and you're never going to know how it feels.
I didn't want you to have to see that. It's bad enough I have to tell you with words.
[God, it feels like the most pathetic pity party he's ever thrown. Why should he get to sit around and bitch that it hurts oh-so-bad he destroyed the people that he loves. He wasn't meant to have to face that, and maybe Reiner was wrong - he is a coward.]
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[ The bit about being displaced from time and space is... concerning. But he'll deal with that later. ]
Please don't mistake my acceptance for apathy. It's not that I don't give a shit. Not at all.
But what will it do for either of us if I reject your reality? That happened to you. You did that. My feelings on that don't matter - I accept you as you are, regardless of anything, and we move forward from there.
And candidly, Eren-kun, you torment yourself about this enough. You don't need anyone else doing it for you.
The person in the world who has done the worst things imaginable is just as deserving of healing as anyone else.
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Can I tell you something about myself? It might help this make sense.
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Someone I cared about very much was the victim of a terrible crime. It changed our lives forever.
My research was already focusing on how to directly heal emotional wounds, and I realized... Criminals and other people who do bad things aren't born evil. Their hearts have become twisted and distorted by the pains they've suffered themselves. It's a cycle that repeats.
I wanted to use my research to cure those distortions. It wouldn't change what the criminals had already done, but it would let them atone and lead more fulfilling lives going forward.
I don't think anyone is irredeemable.
And I definitely don't think you are.
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[Something he's sure Maruki will never understand, because he's sure he'll never be able to explain. Armin didn't make him. He told Eren they could just talk about something else.]
You're a good person. All you do is help people. Someone you cared about got hurt, so you tried to help everyone else. I just can't understand something like that. When the people I love get hurt, all I want to do is kill the person who hurt them.
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Good question, same answer. Nothing changes. Whether the pain was inflicted on you by others, society, or yourself, my stance doesn't waver. You still deserve to be able to heal from it and move on.
I'm sure it sounds like air headed nonsense, and I don't mind if you try to challenge it, but I want to be very honest with you, Eren-kun. It's the foundation of everything I have ever done.
You deserve happiness. Everyone deserves happiness. No matter what.
And, well, hah. That's why you were a soldier and I was a cognitive psientist. Different skills and different responses to stimuli. It doesn't make either of us better or worse than the other.
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[Stunned. And it takes quite a long time for his next message to come through.]
Are you happy?
Don't lie to me. I want to know the truth.
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I am.
Not all of the time, of course. Everyone will always have times where they feel sadness, or stress, or anger. But at the core, yes. I'm happy.
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Someone like you?
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In a way, yes. Not exactly like a counselor, but something similar.
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It doesn't seem possible.
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It's possible, just like it's possible for you to be happy too.
We'll get there. That's my promise to you.
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You didn't know me. You wanted to help for no reason, and you accept me no matter what I've done, even though I shouldn't matter to you.
I don't get it.
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Why shouldn't you matter to me? Everyone does.
I don't know how to explain it simpler to that. My own reality or this strange one... everyone in it matters deeply to me. That's not conditional of anything.
But as for you specifically: I don't only care about you because it's my job. I could tell right away that you have a huge heart that's been hardened by an unjust world. I can empathize with that. You're perseverant, and honest, and you care more than you think you let on. All qualities I admire.
It's fine if you don't believe me just yet, but if you can try to take what I'm saying at face value, that would be a start.
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It's not that I think you're lying.
[He doesn't, really.
[He wishes he were special.
[He's not.
[Maruki did have reasons, though.
[Eren doesn't know what to believe.]
I'll try, I guess.
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