I'm sure I've told you I was a researcher before I became a counselor.
Someone I cared about very much was the victim of a terrible crime. It changed our lives forever.
My research was already focusing on how to directly heal emotional wounds, and I realized... Criminals and other people who do bad things aren't born evil. Their hearts have become twisted and distorted by the pains they've suffered themselves. It's a cycle that repeats.
I wanted to use my research to cure those distortions. It wouldn't change what the criminals had already done, but it would let them atone and lead more fulfilling lives going forward.
What if they caused their own pain? What if they did it to themselves?
[Something he's sure Maruki will never understand, because he's sure he'll never be able to explain. Armin didn't make him. He told Eren they could just talk about something else.]
You're a good person. All you do is help people. Someone you cared about got hurt, so you tried to help everyone else. I just can't understand something like that. When the people I love get hurt, all I want to do is kill the person who hurt them.
[ Even obliquely referencing Rumi has him sitting with his head between his knees to try not to be sick. Worth it if it gets through to Eren, but still! Not great!! The messages take longer to come through. ]
Good question, same answer. Nothing changes. Whether the pain was inflicted on you by others, society, or yourself, my stance doesn't waver. You still deserve to be able to heal from it and move on.
I'm sure it sounds like air headed nonsense, and I don't mind if you try to challenge it, but I want to be very honest with you, Eren-kun. It's the foundation of everything I have ever done.
You deserve happiness. Everyone deserves happiness. No matter what.
And, well, hah. That's why you were a soldier and I was a cognitive psientist. Different skills and different responses to stimuli. It doesn't make either of us better or worse than the other.
[ Oh good, back onto topics he can comfortably be entirely, sincerely truthful about. ]
Why shouldn't you matter to me? Everyone does.
I don't know how to explain it simpler to that. My own reality or this strange one... everyone in it matters deeply to me. That's not conditional of anything.
But as for you specifically: I don't only care about you because it's my job. I could tell right away that you have a huge heart that's been hardened by an unjust world. I can empathize with that. You're perseverant, and honest, and you care more than you think you let on. All qualities I admire.
It's fine if you don't believe me just yet, but if you can try to take what I'm saying at face value, that would be a start.
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Can I tell you something about myself? It might help this make sense.
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Someone I cared about very much was the victim of a terrible crime. It changed our lives forever.
My research was already focusing on how to directly heal emotional wounds, and I realized... Criminals and other people who do bad things aren't born evil. Their hearts have become twisted and distorted by the pains they've suffered themselves. It's a cycle that repeats.
I wanted to use my research to cure those distortions. It wouldn't change what the criminals had already done, but it would let them atone and lead more fulfilling lives going forward.
I don't think anyone is irredeemable.
And I definitely don't think you are.
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[Something he's sure Maruki will never understand, because he's sure he'll never be able to explain. Armin didn't make him. He told Eren they could just talk about something else.]
You're a good person. All you do is help people. Someone you cared about got hurt, so you tried to help everyone else. I just can't understand something like that. When the people I love get hurt, all I want to do is kill the person who hurt them.
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Good question, same answer. Nothing changes. Whether the pain was inflicted on you by others, society, or yourself, my stance doesn't waver. You still deserve to be able to heal from it and move on.
I'm sure it sounds like air headed nonsense, and I don't mind if you try to challenge it, but I want to be very honest with you, Eren-kun. It's the foundation of everything I have ever done.
You deserve happiness. Everyone deserves happiness. No matter what.
And, well, hah. That's why you were a soldier and I was a cognitive psientist. Different skills and different responses to stimuli. It doesn't make either of us better or worse than the other.
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[Stunned. And it takes quite a long time for his next message to come through.]
Are you happy?
Don't lie to me. I want to know the truth.
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I am.
Not all of the time, of course. Everyone will always have times where they feel sadness, or stress, or anger. But at the core, yes. I'm happy.
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Someone like you?
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In a way, yes. Not exactly like a counselor, but something similar.
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It doesn't seem possible.
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It's possible, just like it's possible for you to be happy too.
We'll get there. That's my promise to you.
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You didn't know me. You wanted to help for no reason, and you accept me no matter what I've done, even though I shouldn't matter to you.
I don't get it.
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Why shouldn't you matter to me? Everyone does.
I don't know how to explain it simpler to that. My own reality or this strange one... everyone in it matters deeply to me. That's not conditional of anything.
But as for you specifically: I don't only care about you because it's my job. I could tell right away that you have a huge heart that's been hardened by an unjust world. I can empathize with that. You're perseverant, and honest, and you care more than you think you let on. All qualities I admire.
It's fine if you don't believe me just yet, but if you can try to take what I'm saying at face value, that would be a start.
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It's not that I think you're lying.
[He doesn't, really.
[He wishes he were special.
[He's not.
[Maruki did have reasons, though.
[Eren doesn't know what to believe.]
I'll try, I guess.
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Thank you for hearing me out.
Do you drink coffee?
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Sometimes. I didn't try it until I came here. We only had tea for hot drinks where I grew up.
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Oh, and Eren-kun?
You were a shrimpy little kid!
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Everyone's shrimpy when they're a kid, you asshole.
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Some people have growth spurts earlier than you apparently did...
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Anyway, I get up to six feet in a couple years, so just keep it to yourself, grandpa.
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Guess we'll find out when I drop by to give you a coffee and use your head as an arm rest because I'll be so worn out from carrying it.
See you!
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