In fact, Maruki's going to take the opportunity between bites to take a good look around the cottage. ]
You three have put together a really nice home, haven't you? I know this place has more than its share of faults, but at least it can afford you the opportunity to do that. I'm... assuming that wasn't the case back home.
No, it wasn't. We didn't have the opportunity for much back home. Always fighting...[There's not much emotion in his voice as he says this; is, in fact, quite oddly detached, as if it makes him feel nothing at all.]
This cottage is a nice place. We're lucky in that way. Still, it's at the expense of having our freedom stolen from us. I can't forget that easily.
[ Maruki nods along as he eats, taking careful stock of everything Eren says – and doesn't say.
The topic of freedom is fresh in his mind, but he'll keep those thoughts confined to discussions with Akechi for now. His focus with everyone else has to be helping, regardless of the circumstances they've found themselves in. Eren needs him as a counselor more than anything else, and he's all too happy to do that. ]
I have to ask you to forgive me in advance, Eren-kun. As we get to know one another, I'm sure I'm going to ask you a lot of basic questions that might be irritating to answer. But, ah...
[ He has a keen eye on that detached tone, his stoical face. ]
Could you tell me more about the fighting? I've made some inferences, but I'd like to know exactly what was happening for you before you were brought here.
[Eren's lips are tight. He raps his knuckles idly on the surface of the table, gaze somewhere off.]
That's a complicated question...
Before I got here...there was a lot I didn't know too.
[But if they're going to start anywhere, it has to be with the simplest answer - that, of course, not being simple at all.]
When we started, we were fighting titans. All we knew about them was that they were huge and would stop at nothing to eat any human they got close to. Our society lived behind walls to avoid them, but they broke through.
[ His dreams of counseling have overall been a boon, connecting him to so many people so quickly, getting some of them to open up easier than they would have otherwise. But the challenge of being unable to retain all of the information gleaned in them has been frustrating. He's done his best to write notes for himself every time he wakes up, but most details are hazy.
This rings a bell. Maruki casts back through his overtired mind. A book about the outside world. More awful than we ever could have imagined, the words that stuck out strongest in his mind when he awoke.
A few more pieces begin to fall into place. ]
I can't imagine how difficult it would be to grow up in a situation like that. You must have been incredibly strong – which presents its own issues. You shouldn't always need to be strong.
[ Noted, noted. In fact. Maruki is going to very carefully remove a pocket-sized journal and pen from his coat. Two of the very few things he's gone out of his way to get for himself. He waves it to catch Eren's attention, then opens it to a blank page and uncaps the pen with his teeth. ]
This is just for my own benefit, Eren-kun. Everyone's realities are so different from my own, I need to keep notes. Please know that I'm not writing anything else about you. I'll always tell you any thoughts I have.
[ A few notes scribbled quickly before he refocuses on Eren. ]
It isn't uncommon for painful circumstances to seem less so in hindsight. Especially with compounding difficulties – even a truly awful situation looks more appealing when you're looking at it from a worse position. Can I ask what happened after the titans?
cw: fictional racism, crimes against humanity, genocide, fictional slurs
[Eren's eyes flicker to the notepad, but Maruki's explanation does well enough. He has no idea what counseling involves, or that notes might be necessary; aside from that, he's spent his entire life under a microscope. Who cares at this point?]
Are you sure you want this whole story? [His eyes go back up to Maruki.
[Despite:] After the walls fell, we discovered that some people had the ability to shift into titans themselves. I was one of them. So were three traitors - the three who destroyed my home...[His voice seems to stop working on that word home, but oddly enough, he isn't thinking of the place, but the very person who brought it to ruin...
[Reiner. Eren may never see him again. All that time, wasted in hatred. He's not sure it would be any different if he were still here...
[He catches his silence. His right hand flexes above the table, fingers straining and twisting, as if his hand were in pain; it's a distracted motion.]
There's a lot more to tell...
Myself and my people are a race known as Eldians. Eldians have the ability to turn into titans under the right circumstances. Titan shifters can control themselves, but most Eldians who are turned into titans can't.
All around the world, we were persecuted for our blood and old sin. We found out that the people from my home were being kept isolated on an island, punished by--
[It's abrupt. It's loud. Eren slams his fist on the table. His teeth are bared, lips snarling.]
Punished by titans. Other Eldians, turned into monsters for the very sin of existing. That rotten, bastard world.
[He slams his fist, slams his fist, slams his fist--
[Stops...
[Lifts it. Flexes his fingers.
[His voice comes out low.] They wanted to destroy my home. Pillage it for resources, killing every dirty-blooded island devil they could along the way...
[ There is so much that he needs to write down as Eren speaks, so many words and concepts unfamiliar to him, but he only listens. Eren has his full attention, patient and open. It's the very least he can give someone who has been through so much and is sharing it so freely, no matter how painful it is to recollect.
The fist doesn't make him jump. He does shift his focus to it, more to be certain Eren isn't going to cause himself any damage than anything else – and when he stops, his focus returns to Eren's face.
If he could erase this pain off the history books this instant, he would. No one should have to endure so much, so horrifically much.
He has a feeling he knows what's coming next, but part and parcel of counseling is knowing when to press and when to course correct. Eren is already pushing himself; Maruki won't let him break.
He leaves a little silence for the weight that those words deserve, then speaks in a tone that's warm but firm. ]
Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it was difficult. Let yourself rest for a moment now. Here.
[ His dinner is all but entirely abandoned at this point. It's not a chat over a meal, it's true counseling. He hopes Eren takes to it – or at the very least, doesn't outright reject it. ]
This will sound cheesy, but I promise it's true – our bodies can present the greatest challenge to our minds when we're in distress. We can't begin to process our emotions if our minds are preoccupied by staying in fight or flight mode. [ And Eren is very clearly fight. ] So let the story go for now, look at me, and take some deep breaths. Like this.
[ ON GOD EREN WE'RE GETTING YOU GROUNDED AND SLIGHTLY MORE CALM ]
[He watches Maruki. It should sound like bullshit, but Commander Erwin has been teaching Eren meditation, and he's been taking it seriously. He breathes with Maruki as he instructs, green eyes never leaving him as he does.
[They don't look dead anymore; they look young and vulnerable, searching. He doesn't like that feeling. He watches Maruki. He watches Maruki.]
[ The life returning to his expression is a good sign, and it's only natural to feel scrubbed raw by a conversation like that. The ability to so easily follow the instructions for a grounding exercise also bodes well. They'll work on those little dissociative spurts yet.
For now, Maruki only holds his gaze with warm, smiling eyes. ]
You did a great job. Thank you for going along with me there. Some people can find the somatic components of counseling a little silly, but they really do work.
[ Table that conversation for now and save it to return to later. Time for something (hopefully) lighter. ]
Okay, I'm going to ask your forgiveness again – remember that I'm a boring old man. But how is it you came to be married to two people here? It seems like a good arrangement, so no judgment! I'm just curious.
[Eren nods as Maruki speaks. He's about to explain that it isn't an entirely new concept to him, but the change of topic is more welcome. He's used to questions about this; he knows he's young.]
Mikasa and Jean...my wife and my husband, and each other's too.
I've known Mikasa since I was nine. She lived with my family when we were just kids. I've known Jean since I was twelve. We were cadets together, then Scouts in our military.
They're from our future - four years ahead of the last thing I remember from the life I've actually lived. It feels difficult to explain...
[His hand flexes as it did before, Eren's expression focused on the table.]
We've all been in love for a long time, but from where they're standing...
[His voice trails off. He frowns. His hand flexes and twists.]
They're my soulmates, and we'll never be able to be married because of our future. So...while we're here, whatever time we have...that's what we are.
Maruki is a sentimental, romantic soul with zero outlet for it. Of course he's going to be endeared by a story like that. ]
That's incredible. You brought up a good point – there are still real benefits we can take from this reality, despite being trapped against our will. I'm glad that you're able to have this time for a life with them, Eren-kun. You deserve that happiness.
[ And then he'll quiet himself and take a moment to scribble some notes, including a triangle chart with a little kaomoji thumbs up drawing in the middle. They all love each other!
Without looking up from his notebook, tone entirely casual: ]
Ah, and is your hand okay?
this is my fav headcanon and characters never ask about it bless u
[He doesn't deserve it. He's getting tired of arguing about that; getting tired of being told it's not true.
[Maruki's good at distracting Eren's thoughts before he can finish forming them. He looks at his hand, mid-flex; forces it to relax.]
Oh...yeah...
[He pulls his sleeve back a little. His hand used to be pristine back when his body would heal itself automatically; it's covered in nicks and marks now.]
I used to bite my hands to transform. That titan shifting ability I mentioned...
It doesn't hurt, it just...feels like it sometimes. When I'm not paying attention.
[He's never really thought about it all that much. People don't really point it out, normally, though Jean knows that it means he's discomfited by something...]
We are trapped here. But I don't just want an escape. There are a lot of people here who are better off staying. Us too...[Reiner, gone. Hange, gone.]
I want us to have the choice.
absolutely fucking barking oh this is DELICIOUS FOOD
[ Noted about the hand, quite literally. While Maruki has him off of darker topics, he's taking advantage of the time to jot down as much as he can. Congrats, Eren, your patient file is going to be titanic. Ah, no pun intended! ]
Just wanted to make sure. As long as you're not in pain, there's nothing wrong with a self-soothing gesture like that.
[ The rest of that... well. That's intriguing in a way wholly unrelated to counseling, and he draws a circle next to that note to address it later, though perhaps not with Eren.
He sets his pen down, returns to his dinner, slightly cooled but still tasty. ]
I've had that thought too. I recently spoke with a dreamer who awoke here after their death. If this reality can give people a second chance at life, literally or figuratively, then there could be some good in it. The problem, of course, is with a ruler who doesn't appear to have our best interests at heart. Even with that, do you still feel better off here?
[The topic of Vaeros used to incite such deep, deep rage within Eren; his freedom, ripped away from him.
[It's hard to find that passion now. There are no benevolent leaders. No one has each other's best interests at heart; only interests which benefit their interests. To ever have thought otherwise was idealistic and young.
[What has he told Maruki already? Outside of this afternoon, he struggles to remember the details. Either way, there's not much point in being withholding now. He realizes belatedly that this is Maruki's counseling. Maybe he ought to be angry; part of him does feel tricked.
[But it feels good...He feels words on the tip of his tongue. Why hold them back?]
There's nothing for us to return to.
I've lived my future. If I returned to the point I came from, I'd be dead in four years regardless. Mikasa and Jean...Levi...they're still alive. But the world...
[ Maruki talked a big game to Venat about the importance of not internalizing the pain and emotions of his patients, but it's so much easier in theory than in practice. How could his heart not ache to hear that Eren's fate is already written out for him in the future and that there would be no world to return to even if it wasn't?
He's quiet for a long moment to let the gravity of that sink in, then gently pushes his dinner aside and clasps his hands together in front of him, resting his chin on top of them. ]
Eren-kun. Look at me.
[ He isn't about to let him get lost in his own mental tempest again. Ground him up front, and then cast back through his mind. He'd noted it down after their text conversation, laying on the floor of the empty home he's been squatting in, writing only by moonlight with dry, heavy eyes before passing out for yet another counseling dream. ]
That's the event that you said you'd regret but would do again, isn't it?
[ Good. That's very good progress. Maruki's just about done putting him through the wringer tonight – which was never his intention in the first place, he does feel a bit bad about that...
But not too bad. The trust in Eren's eyes is worth it.
He speaks very carefully, very gently. Eren clearly hasn't gotten much of that in his life, and he does deserve it. ]
It sounds like you were up against an unwinnable situation. You made a choice that needed to be made, and the people it impacted clearly still care deeply about you. They don't hold it against you. Can we work on you not holding it against yourself?
cw: genocide, graphic gorey descriptions, violence, murder, etc.
[That's a mistake that people often make about Eren - that his suffering must be due to some lack of tenderness, but it isn't true. He spent his life surrounded by love; he destroyed the world despite and because of it.
[That look of trust quickly morphs into something more like bewildered disgust, but it's all said with that piercing green gaze, directed straight through Maruki.]
You don't understand...
[And he shouldn't. Eren doesn't need to keep talking, but he can't seem to stop himself; maybe he just doesn't want to.]
Eighty percent of humanity. I must look like just some kid to you.
Don't file away that number in your head like it's nothing.
[Eren's fists are clenched again; his eyes are a storm.]
I. I crushed them like bugs. Men. Women. Innocent children. They ran for their lives, and I slaughtered them.
[Does it sound like remorse? Eren's body shakes, his lips snarling over his teeth.]
I wanted it. I wanted it. I wanted that bastard world empty, and I'd do it again!
[Labored breaths through gritted teeth. Maruki may as well no longer be there.]
[ Oops. Good work, Takuto. A+ flawless execution. God dammit. He is going to sleep for twelve hours minimum after this. And probably counsel like three more people in the process.
But that's for future Maruki! Present Maruki is going to do something potentially unwise and cover Eren's clenched fist with one of his own hands, still trying to catch his gaze and bring him back down to– well, not earth. Visium. ]
I believe you. You don't have to try to prove anything to me. What I said still stands. Breathe.
[No. No. Why doesn't anyone run away? Why do they all still look at him like he's anything more than a monster?
[Eren doesn't move his hand away from Maruki's. His face contorts with pained confusion, fists clenching tighter. "Breathe." He breathes. Breathes. Breathes...
[He blinks tears away, fists unclenching.]
I...don't understand...
[How can he not hold it against himself? Everyone should be holding it against him...
[ GRAB!! HIS HEART!!! AND SNAP IT CLEAN IN HALF OVER YOUR KNEE, EREN!!!!!!
It's a relief that Eren doesn't snap at the touch, and his own shoulders untense when his fists relax. It's a bigger relief that even in that state, he can be reached and can calm his senses, if not his mind. Maruki pats his hand after a moment and lets go, but he stays leaning forward across the table, talking softly. ]
Some things seem to defy understanding. I'd say love is one of them. It's so difficult to see ourselves the way the people who care about us most see us, isn't it? Sometimes you just have to put your belief into their love for you, even if you don't understand at the time – but my goal is to help you understand, eventually. It isn't something that we'll get done overnight.
[ He glances around, internally winces at this not happening in an office where he's prepared, and settles on handing Eren his unused napkin in lieu of a tissue. ]
[Eren takes the napkin and sinks into his seat. He feels pathetic and small, which is how he felt the last time Maruki and he talked, and the time before that too.
[He feels very human. He wipes at his eyes and blows his nose just like a normal sixteen-year-old boy. His body feels heavy. Maybe he won't go out after all.]
I love them too...[His voice is very quiet. He doesn't know what else to say. If Maruki leaves with anything, let him leave with that.]
Maruki watches him fondly for a moment, then as he speaks, he busies himself with closing up the journal and tying the little leather cord around it before tucking it back into his coat, a signal that the hard part of this is over. ]
You have them here with you now. And you freely give your love to both of them. In a way, I'd say that you did save them, even if only inadvertently.
[ It's said lightly, hopeful it won't touch another nerve, and then peers carefully at Eren slumped in his chair. He looks exhausted, physically and mentally. Sleep isn't exactly restful lately, so he can't in good conscience recommend that, but he doesn't want to leave Eren in this state. ]
You did well, Eren-kun. It may not feel like it at the moment, but... I mean it, you really did.
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no subject
In fact, Maruki's going to take the opportunity between bites to take a good look around the cottage. ]
You three have put together a really nice home, haven't you? I know this place has more than its share of faults, but at least it can afford you the opportunity to do that. I'm... assuming that wasn't the case back home.
no subject
This cottage is a nice place. We're lucky in that way. Still, it's at the expense of having our freedom stolen from us. I can't forget that easily.
no subject
The topic of freedom is fresh in his mind, but he'll keep those thoughts confined to discussions with Akechi for now. His focus with everyone else has to be helping, regardless of the circumstances they've found themselves in. Eren needs him as a counselor more than anything else, and he's all too happy to do that. ]
I have to ask you to forgive me in advance, Eren-kun. As we get to know one another, I'm sure I'm going to ask you a lot of basic questions that might be irritating to answer. But, ah...
[ He has a keen eye on that detached tone, his stoical face. ]
Could you tell me more about the fighting? I've made some inferences, but I'd like to know exactly what was happening for you before you were brought here.
no subject
That's a complicated question...
Before I got here...there was a lot I didn't know too.
[But if they're going to start anywhere, it has to be with the simplest answer - that, of course, not being simple at all.]
When we started, we were fighting titans. All we knew about them was that they were huge and would stop at nothing to eat any human they got close to. Our society lived behind walls to avoid them, but they broke through.
no subject
This rings a bell. Maruki casts back through his overtired mind. A book about the outside world. More awful than we ever could have imagined, the words that stuck out strongest in his mind when he awoke.
A few more pieces begin to fall into place. ]
I can't imagine how difficult it would be to grow up in a situation like that. You must have been incredibly strong – which presents its own issues. You shouldn't always need to be strong.
no subject
My friends were stronger, though. Always had been, I think.
It's pretty fucked up to think this way now...but back when it was just titans - you could call that the
Season 1easy part...no subject
This is just for my own benefit, Eren-kun. Everyone's realities are so different from my own, I need to keep notes. Please know that I'm not writing anything else about you. I'll always tell you any thoughts I have.
[ A few notes scribbled quickly before he refocuses on Eren. ]
It isn't uncommon for painful circumstances to seem less so in hindsight. Especially with compounding difficulties – even a truly awful situation looks more appealing when you're looking at it from a worse position. Can I ask what happened after the titans?
cw: fictional racism, crimes against humanity, genocide, fictional slurs
Are you sure you want this whole story? [His eyes go back up to Maruki.
[Despite:] After the walls fell, we discovered that some people had the ability to shift into titans themselves. I was one of them. So were three traitors - the three who destroyed my home...[His voice seems to stop working on that word home, but oddly enough, he isn't thinking of the place, but the very person who brought it to ruin...
[Reiner. Eren may never see him again. All that time, wasted in hatred. He's not sure it would be any different if he were still here...
[He catches his silence. His right hand flexes above the table, fingers straining and twisting, as if his hand were in pain; it's a distracted motion.]
There's a lot more to tell...
Myself and my people are a race known as Eldians. Eldians have the ability to turn into titans under the right circumstances. Titan shifters can control themselves, but most Eldians who are turned into titans can't.
All around the world, we were persecuted for our blood and old sin. We found out that the people from my home were being kept isolated on an island, punished by--
[It's abrupt. It's loud. Eren slams his fist on the table. His teeth are bared, lips snarling.]
Punished by titans. Other Eldians, turned into monsters for the very sin of existing. That rotten, bastard world.
[He slams his fist, slams his fist, slams his fist--
[Stops...
[Lifts it. Flexes his fingers.
[His voice comes out low.] They wanted to destroy my home. Pillage it for resources, killing every dirty-blooded island devil they could along the way...
That's why...
no subject
The fist doesn't make him jump. He does shift his focus to it, more to be certain Eren isn't going to cause himself any damage than anything else – and when he stops, his focus returns to Eren's face.
If he could erase this pain off the history books this instant, he would. No one should have to endure so much, so horrifically much.
He has a feeling he knows what's coming next, but part and parcel of counseling is knowing when to press and when to course correct. Eren is already pushing himself; Maruki won't let him break.
He leaves a little silence for the weight that those words deserve, then speaks in a tone that's warm but firm. ]
Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it was difficult. Let yourself rest for a moment now. Here.
[ His dinner is all but entirely abandoned at this point. It's not a chat over a meal, it's true counseling. He hopes Eren takes to it – or at the very least, doesn't outright reject it. ]
This will sound cheesy, but I promise it's true – our bodies can present the greatest challenge to our minds when we're in distress. We can't begin to process our emotions if our minds are preoccupied by staying in fight or flight mode. [ And Eren is very clearly fight. ] So let the story go for now, look at me, and take some deep breaths. Like this.
[ ON GOD EREN WE'RE GETTING YOU GROUNDED AND SLIGHTLY MORE CALM ]
no subject
[He watches Maruki. It should sound like bullshit, but Commander Erwin has been teaching Eren meditation, and he's been taking it seriously. He breathes with Maruki as he instructs, green eyes never leaving him as he does.
[They don't look dead anymore; they look young and vulnerable, searching. He doesn't like that feeling. He watches Maruki. He watches Maruki.]
no subject
For now, Maruki only holds his gaze with warm, smiling eyes. ]
You did a great job. Thank you for going along with me there. Some people can find the somatic components of counseling a little silly, but they really do work.
[ Table that conversation for now and save it to return to later. Time for something (hopefully) lighter. ]
Okay, I'm going to ask your forgiveness again – remember that I'm a boring old man. But how is it you came to be married to two people here? It seems like a good arrangement, so no judgment! I'm just curious.
no subject
Mikasa and Jean...my wife and my husband, and each other's too.
I've known Mikasa since I was nine. She lived with my family when we were just kids. I've known Jean since I was twelve. We were cadets together, then Scouts in our military.
They're from our future - four years ahead of the last thing I remember from the life I've actually lived. It feels difficult to explain...
[His hand flexes as it did before, Eren's expression focused on the table.]
We've all been in love for a long time, but from where they're standing...
[His voice trails off. He frowns. His hand flexes and twists.]
They're my soulmates, and we'll never be able to be married because of our future. So...while we're here, whatever time we have...that's what we are.
It makes sense to us.
no subject
Maruki is a sentimental, romantic soul with zero outlet for it. Of course he's going to be endeared by a story like that. ]
That's incredible. You brought up a good point – there are still real benefits we can take from this reality, despite being trapped against our will. I'm glad that you're able to have this time for a life with them, Eren-kun. You deserve that happiness.
[ And then he'll quiet himself and take a moment to scribble some notes, including a triangle chart with a little kaomoji thumbs up drawing in the middle. They all love each other!
Without looking up from his notebook, tone entirely casual: ]
Ah, and is your hand okay?
this is my fav headcanon and characters never ask about it bless u
[Maruki's good at distracting Eren's thoughts before he can finish forming them. He looks at his hand, mid-flex; forces it to relax.]
Oh...yeah...
[He pulls his sleeve back a little. His hand used to be pristine back when his body would heal itself automatically; it's covered in nicks and marks now.]
I used to bite my hands to transform. That titan shifting ability I mentioned...
It doesn't hurt, it just...feels like it sometimes. When I'm not paying attention.
[He's never really thought about it all that much. People don't really point it out, normally, though Jean knows that it means he's discomfited by something...]
We are trapped here. But I don't just want an escape. There are a lot of people here who are better off staying. Us too...[Reiner, gone. Hange, gone.]
I want us to have the choice.
absolutely fucking barking oh this is DELICIOUS FOOD
Just wanted to make sure. As long as you're not in pain, there's nothing wrong with a self-soothing gesture like that.
[ The rest of that... well. That's intriguing in a way wholly unrelated to counseling, and he draws a circle next to that note to address it later, though perhaps not with Eren.
He sets his pen down, returns to his dinner, slightly cooled but still tasty. ]
I've had that thought too. I recently spoke with a dreamer who awoke here after their death. If this reality can give people a second chance at life, literally or figuratively, then there could be some good in it. The problem, of course, is with a ruler who doesn't appear to have our best interests at heart. Even with that, do you still feel better off here?
no subject
[It's hard to find that passion now. There are no benevolent leaders. No one has each other's best interests at heart; only interests which benefit their interests. To ever have thought otherwise was idealistic and young.
[What has he told Maruki already? Outside of this afternoon, he struggles to remember the details. Either way, there's not much point in being withholding now. He realizes belatedly that this is Maruki's counseling. Maybe he ought to be angry; part of him does feel tricked.
[But it feels good...He feels words on the tip of his tongue. Why hold them back?]
There's nothing for us to return to.
I've lived my future. If I returned to the point I came from, I'd be dead in four years regardless. Mikasa and Jean...Levi...they're still alive. But the world...
[Eren turns his palms up; stares at them.]
It's been destroyed...
no subject
He's quiet for a long moment to let the gravity of that sink in, then gently pushes his dinner aside and clasps his hands together in front of him, resting his chin on top of them. ]
Eren-kun. Look at me.
[ He isn't about to let him get lost in his own mental tempest again. Ground him up front, and then cast back through his mind. He'd noted it down after their text conversation, laying on the floor of the empty home he's been squatting in, writing only by moonlight with dry, heavy eyes before passing out for yet another counseling dream. ]
That's the event that you said you'd regret but would do again, isn't it?
maruki you're not well are you
[His heart races, but his eyes have that young, pleading look in them again. He nods.]
Yes...
[Eren waits to be condemned. He wants to be condemned. He feels he won't be. It's an odd trust. He doesn't look away from Maruki.]
he's doing great. he's going to move into a castle with akechi. life is good!!
But not too bad. The trust in Eren's eyes is worth it.
He speaks very carefully, very gently. Eren clearly hasn't gotten much of that in his life, and he does deserve it. ]
It sounds like you were up against an unwinnable situation. You made a choice that needed to be made, and the people it impacted clearly still care deeply about you. They don't hold it against you. Can we work on you not holding it against yourself?
cw: genocide, graphic gorey descriptions, violence, murder, etc.
[That look of trust quickly morphs into something more like bewildered disgust, but it's all said with that piercing green gaze, directed straight through Maruki.]
You don't understand...
[And he shouldn't. Eren doesn't need to keep talking, but he can't seem to stop himself; maybe he just doesn't want to.]
Eighty percent of humanity. I must look like just some kid to you.
Don't file away that number in your head like it's nothing.
[Eren's fists are clenched again; his eyes are a storm.]
I. I crushed them like bugs. Men. Women. Innocent children. They ran for their lives, and I slaughtered them.
[Does it sound like remorse? Eren's body shakes, his lips snarling over his teeth.]
I wanted it. I wanted it. I wanted that bastard world empty, and I'd do it again!
[Labored breaths through gritted teeth. Maruki may as well no longer be there.]
no subject
But that's for future Maruki! Present Maruki is going to do something potentially unwise and cover Eren's clenched fist with one of his own hands, still trying to catch his gaze and bring him back down to– well, not earth. Visium. ]
I believe you. You don't have to try to prove anything to me. What I said still stands. Breathe.
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[Eren doesn't move his hand away from Maruki's. His face contorts with pained confusion, fists clenching tighter. "Breathe." He breathes. Breathes. Breathes...
[He blinks tears away, fists unclenching.]
I...don't understand...
[How can he not hold it against himself? Everyone should be holding it against him...
[Why do they still love him?]
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It's a relief that Eren doesn't snap at the touch, and his own shoulders untense when his fists relax. It's a bigger relief that even in that state, he can be reached and can calm his senses, if not his mind. Maruki pats his hand after a moment and lets go, but he stays leaning forward across the table, talking softly. ]
Some things seem to defy understanding. I'd say love is one of them. It's so difficult to see ourselves the way the people who care about us most see us, isn't it? Sometimes you just have to put your belief into their love for you, even if you don't understand at the time – but my goal is to help you understand, eventually. It isn't something that we'll get done overnight.
[ He glances around, internally winces at this not happening in an office where he's prepared, and settles on handing Eren his unused napkin in lieu of a tissue. ]
Here. You're alright, Eren-kun.
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[Eren takes the napkin and sinks into his seat. He feels pathetic and small, which is how he felt the last time Maruki and he talked, and the time before that too.
[He feels very human. He wipes at his eyes and blows his nose just like a normal sixteen-year-old boy. His body feels heavy. Maybe he won't go out after all.]
I love them too...[His voice is very quiet. He doesn't know what else to say. If Maruki leaves with anything, let him leave with that.]
I wanted...to save them.
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Maruki watches him fondly for a moment, then as he speaks, he busies himself with closing up the journal and tying the little leather cord around it before tucking it back into his coat, a signal that the hard part of this is over. ]
You have them here with you now. And you freely give your love to both of them. In a way, I'd say that you did save them, even if only inadvertently.
[ It's said lightly, hopeful it won't touch another nerve, and then peers carefully at Eren slumped in his chair. He looks exhausted, physically and mentally. Sleep isn't exactly restful lately, so he can't in good conscience recommend that, but he doesn't want to leave Eren in this state. ]
You did well, Eren-kun. It may not feel like it at the moment, but... I mean it, you really did.
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double checked this with their muns just in case
SOBS ERENNNNNNNNN
this is how he gets ya (by being painfully flawed but genuine)
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