[ Noted about the hand, quite literally. While Maruki has him off of darker topics, he's taking advantage of the time to jot down as much as he can. Congrats, Eren, your patient file is going to be titanic. Ah, no pun intended! ]
Just wanted to make sure. As long as you're not in pain, there's nothing wrong with a self-soothing gesture like that.
[ The rest of that... well. That's intriguing in a way wholly unrelated to counseling, and he draws a circle next to that note to address it later, though perhaps not with Eren.
He sets his pen down, returns to his dinner, slightly cooled but still tasty. ]
I've had that thought too. I recently spoke with a dreamer who awoke here after their death. If this reality can give people a second chance at life, literally or figuratively, then there could be some good in it. The problem, of course, is with a ruler who doesn't appear to have our best interests at heart. Even with that, do you still feel better off here?
[The topic of Vaeros used to incite such deep, deep rage within Eren; his freedom, ripped away from him.
[It's hard to find that passion now. There are no benevolent leaders. No one has each other's best interests at heart; only interests which benefit their interests. To ever have thought otherwise was idealistic and young.
[What has he told Maruki already? Outside of this afternoon, he struggles to remember the details. Either way, there's not much point in being withholding now. He realizes belatedly that this is Maruki's counseling. Maybe he ought to be angry; part of him does feel tricked.
[But it feels good...He feels words on the tip of his tongue. Why hold them back?]
There's nothing for us to return to.
I've lived my future. If I returned to the point I came from, I'd be dead in four years regardless. Mikasa and Jean...Levi...they're still alive. But the world...
[ Maruki talked a big game to Venat about the importance of not internalizing the pain and emotions of his patients, but it's so much easier in theory than in practice. How could his heart not ache to hear that Eren's fate is already written out for him in the future and that there would be no world to return to even if it wasn't?
He's quiet for a long moment to let the gravity of that sink in, then gently pushes his dinner aside and clasps his hands together in front of him, resting his chin on top of them. ]
Eren-kun. Look at me.
[ He isn't about to let him get lost in his own mental tempest again. Ground him up front, and then cast back through his mind. He'd noted it down after their text conversation, laying on the floor of the empty home he's been squatting in, writing only by moonlight with dry, heavy eyes before passing out for yet another counseling dream. ]
That's the event that you said you'd regret but would do again, isn't it?
[ Good. That's very good progress. Maruki's just about done putting him through the wringer tonight – which was never his intention in the first place, he does feel a bit bad about that...
But not too bad. The trust in Eren's eyes is worth it.
He speaks very carefully, very gently. Eren clearly hasn't gotten much of that in his life, and he does deserve it. ]
It sounds like you were up against an unwinnable situation. You made a choice that needed to be made, and the people it impacted clearly still care deeply about you. They don't hold it against you. Can we work on you not holding it against yourself?
cw: genocide, graphic gorey descriptions, violence, murder, etc.
[That's a mistake that people often make about Eren - that his suffering must be due to some lack of tenderness, but it isn't true. He spent his life surrounded by love; he destroyed the world despite and because of it.
[That look of trust quickly morphs into something more like bewildered disgust, but it's all said with that piercing green gaze, directed straight through Maruki.]
You don't understand...
[And he shouldn't. Eren doesn't need to keep talking, but he can't seem to stop himself; maybe he just doesn't want to.]
Eighty percent of humanity. I must look like just some kid to you.
Don't file away that number in your head like it's nothing.
[Eren's fists are clenched again; his eyes are a storm.]
I. I crushed them like bugs. Men. Women. Innocent children. They ran for their lives, and I slaughtered them.
[Does it sound like remorse? Eren's body shakes, his lips snarling over his teeth.]
I wanted it. I wanted it. I wanted that bastard world empty, and I'd do it again!
[Labored breaths through gritted teeth. Maruki may as well no longer be there.]
[ Oops. Good work, Takuto. A+ flawless execution. God dammit. He is going to sleep for twelve hours minimum after this. And probably counsel like three more people in the process.
But that's for future Maruki! Present Maruki is going to do something potentially unwise and cover Eren's clenched fist with one of his own hands, still trying to catch his gaze and bring him back down to– well, not earth. Visium. ]
I believe you. You don't have to try to prove anything to me. What I said still stands. Breathe.
[No. No. Why doesn't anyone run away? Why do they all still look at him like he's anything more than a monster?
[Eren doesn't move his hand away from Maruki's. His face contorts with pained confusion, fists clenching tighter. "Breathe." He breathes. Breathes. Breathes...
[He blinks tears away, fists unclenching.]
I...don't understand...
[How can he not hold it against himself? Everyone should be holding it against him...
[ GRAB!! HIS HEART!!! AND SNAP IT CLEAN IN HALF OVER YOUR KNEE, EREN!!!!!!
It's a relief that Eren doesn't snap at the touch, and his own shoulders untense when his fists relax. It's a bigger relief that even in that state, he can be reached and can calm his senses, if not his mind. Maruki pats his hand after a moment and lets go, but he stays leaning forward across the table, talking softly. ]
Some things seem to defy understanding. I'd say love is one of them. It's so difficult to see ourselves the way the people who care about us most see us, isn't it? Sometimes you just have to put your belief into their love for you, even if you don't understand at the time – but my goal is to help you understand, eventually. It isn't something that we'll get done overnight.
[ He glances around, internally winces at this not happening in an office where he's prepared, and settles on handing Eren his unused napkin in lieu of a tissue. ]
[Eren takes the napkin and sinks into his seat. He feels pathetic and small, which is how he felt the last time Maruki and he talked, and the time before that too.
[He feels very human. He wipes at his eyes and blows his nose just like a normal sixteen-year-old boy. His body feels heavy. Maybe he won't go out after all.]
I love them too...[His voice is very quiet. He doesn't know what else to say. If Maruki leaves with anything, let him leave with that.]
Maruki watches him fondly for a moment, then as he speaks, he busies himself with closing up the journal and tying the little leather cord around it before tucking it back into his coat, a signal that the hard part of this is over. ]
You have them here with you now. And you freely give your love to both of them. In a way, I'd say that you did save them, even if only inadvertently.
[ It's said lightly, hopeful it won't touch another nerve, and then peers carefully at Eren slumped in his chair. He looks exhausted, physically and mentally. Sleep isn't exactly restful lately, so he can't in good conscience recommend that, but he doesn't want to leave Eren in this state. ]
You did well, Eren-kun. It may not feel like it at the moment, but... I mean it, you really did.
[He did save them, and in more ways than inadvertently; not just Mikasa, Jean, but Armin, Reiner - all of the people he loved that were still standing. He doesn't feel like telling Maruki that. Another time, maybe...
[Maruki says he's done well, and somehow, Eren doesn't really feel the need to argue - maybe not because he feels he's done something good, but because he does very much feel like he's just done work. It's strange...]
Is this what you came here to do...? Or am I just that messed up?
[ And despite everything that has transpired throughout this conversation, he means that completely and entirely sincerely. Maruki doesn't see him as broken so much as pushed beyond any reasonable mental means by circumstances he never should have been placed in. His heart will always rebel against an unjust reality before anything else.
And just as that statement was honest, so is the one that follows. ]
Admittedly, no, I didn't come here with a counseling session in mind, but I'm glad that we were able to have one regardless. I don't take your trust in me lightly. And I want to handle these things as they come up naturally, so really, it's good that it happened this way.
[ And sure, he only ate half his dinner, but he'll take the rest back to the squatter's rights hobbit hole, so win-win! ]
[ That takes him completely off guard, all of the collected calm he puts forth in counselor mode slipping away at once. He flusters visibly, ears starting to go red, and laughs at himself in self-deprecation. ]
A-ah. Well... If I'm honest, no, I don't have anywhere to go...
[ He remembers keenly Eren's flat irritation at him skirting around the offers for free food. The hospitality really does come naturally to him – to all three of them, it seems. He has no plausible excuse to deny the offer extended in kindness, and a vested interest in creating a bit of back-and-forth so their relationship doesn't seem unbalanced to Eren.
And most importantly he has a bad back, so a more comfortable bed in a home with electricity and running water sounds like heaven. ]
You really wouldn't mind? Just for the night, of course! I'm not entirely hopeless, hah...
this is how he gets ya (by being painfully flawed but genuine)
Just for the night, yeah. [The three of them enjoy having their house to themselves generally, but even if Maruki had to stay a couple of nights, Eren doesn't think any of them would mind; still, he's not trying to be weird about the whole thing.]
Come here. [He stands up from the table, leading Maruki to one of the bedrooms off of the living room. It's technically Eren's, but upon entering, it looks relatively untouched. Honestly, it might be a bit funny just how Typical Guest Room it looks with its perfectly made bed and consistently ocean-themed decor; a hand-made painting on one of the walls, seashells on the windowsill, a ship in a bottle...
[(There are also a healthy amount of blades lying around?)]
When we moved in, we all had our own rooms, but it didn't last. [They never used their own rooms. Before they upgraded to a fourth, larger bedroom for all three of them, they slept in a heap on the hardwood floor in the living room for...literal months.] I don't really use this one anymore.
[ Oh! It's unexpectedly adorable. A nautical theme? Maybe Eren's into that... Consider him suitably charmed. Even when he notices all the blades. That's approximately one hundred times more blades than he has ever had in a room that he's sleeping in, but sure. They were soldiers, it tracks. He guesses. ]
Thank you so much. I mean it, this is perfect. You have no idea.
[ He shrugs off his coat to hang it over the back of a chair and stretches his arms high above his head, sighing as his back cracks. ]
Ah, I hate to already take advantage of the situation, but do you think I could have a nap before they return for dinner? If I'm still passed out by then, I'm probably counseling, please kick me awake. Seriously.
And interrupt your session? [A half-serious question.
[Enter: Frog, Eren's very round, orange and white cat, who promptly tries to jump onto the bed, misses, fumbles to the ground, then stares at Eren and screams.
[He scoops her up and tosses her unceremoniously onto the bed.]
That's Frog. She'll probably want to sleep with you.
[ Even the most self-sacrificial man on the planet is starting to feel the strain and would not be mad if one of his dream sessions ended abruptly. It can always be picked up again later in the true reality. Also, the last one ended in him getting pulled into the abyss by tentacles in front of Akechi, so like. Please.
But more importantly: KITTY ]
Oh!!
[ Immediately, Maruki's crouching next to the bed and holding out a hand for her to sniff. ]
Hello, Frog. Will you really join me for a nap?
[ He has a bit of a sweet Talking To Cats voice as well. Maybe it's good that Akira rarely let him see Morgana. ]
[ And with no fanfare, he is going to flop right onto the bed with Frog, one little oof for his poor back and another when she crawls on top of him. He cranes his neck to watch Eren go, voice getting muffled by her truly prodigious amount of fur. ]
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absolutely fucking barking oh this is DELICIOUS FOOD
Just wanted to make sure. As long as you're not in pain, there's nothing wrong with a self-soothing gesture like that.
[ The rest of that... well. That's intriguing in a way wholly unrelated to counseling, and he draws a circle next to that note to address it later, though perhaps not with Eren.
He sets his pen down, returns to his dinner, slightly cooled but still tasty. ]
I've had that thought too. I recently spoke with a dreamer who awoke here after their death. If this reality can give people a second chance at life, literally or figuratively, then there could be some good in it. The problem, of course, is with a ruler who doesn't appear to have our best interests at heart. Even with that, do you still feel better off here?
no subject
[It's hard to find that passion now. There are no benevolent leaders. No one has each other's best interests at heart; only interests which benefit their interests. To ever have thought otherwise was idealistic and young.
[What has he told Maruki already? Outside of this afternoon, he struggles to remember the details. Either way, there's not much point in being withholding now. He realizes belatedly that this is Maruki's counseling. Maybe he ought to be angry; part of him does feel tricked.
[But it feels good...He feels words on the tip of his tongue. Why hold them back?]
There's nothing for us to return to.
I've lived my future. If I returned to the point I came from, I'd be dead in four years regardless. Mikasa and Jean...Levi...they're still alive. But the world...
[Eren turns his palms up; stares at them.]
It's been destroyed...
no subject
He's quiet for a long moment to let the gravity of that sink in, then gently pushes his dinner aside and clasps his hands together in front of him, resting his chin on top of them. ]
Eren-kun. Look at me.
[ He isn't about to let him get lost in his own mental tempest again. Ground him up front, and then cast back through his mind. He'd noted it down after their text conversation, laying on the floor of the empty home he's been squatting in, writing only by moonlight with dry, heavy eyes before passing out for yet another counseling dream. ]
That's the event that you said you'd regret but would do again, isn't it?
maruki you're not well are you
[His heart races, but his eyes have that young, pleading look in them again. He nods.]
Yes...
[Eren waits to be condemned. He wants to be condemned. He feels he won't be. It's an odd trust. He doesn't look away from Maruki.]
he's doing great. he's going to move into a castle with akechi. life is good!!
But not too bad. The trust in Eren's eyes is worth it.
He speaks very carefully, very gently. Eren clearly hasn't gotten much of that in his life, and he does deserve it. ]
It sounds like you were up against an unwinnable situation. You made a choice that needed to be made, and the people it impacted clearly still care deeply about you. They don't hold it against you. Can we work on you not holding it against yourself?
cw: genocide, graphic gorey descriptions, violence, murder, etc.
[That look of trust quickly morphs into something more like bewildered disgust, but it's all said with that piercing green gaze, directed straight through Maruki.]
You don't understand...
[And he shouldn't. Eren doesn't need to keep talking, but he can't seem to stop himself; maybe he just doesn't want to.]
Eighty percent of humanity. I must look like just some kid to you.
Don't file away that number in your head like it's nothing.
[Eren's fists are clenched again; his eyes are a storm.]
I. I crushed them like bugs. Men. Women. Innocent children. They ran for their lives, and I slaughtered them.
[Does it sound like remorse? Eren's body shakes, his lips snarling over his teeth.]
I wanted it. I wanted it. I wanted that bastard world empty, and I'd do it again!
[Labored breaths through gritted teeth. Maruki may as well no longer be there.]
no subject
But that's for future Maruki! Present Maruki is going to do something potentially unwise and cover Eren's clenched fist with one of his own hands, still trying to catch his gaze and bring him back down to– well, not earth. Visium. ]
I believe you. You don't have to try to prove anything to me. What I said still stands. Breathe.
no subject
[Eren doesn't move his hand away from Maruki's. His face contorts with pained confusion, fists clenching tighter. "Breathe." He breathes. Breathes. Breathes...
[He blinks tears away, fists unclenching.]
I...don't understand...
[How can he not hold it against himself? Everyone should be holding it against him...
[Why do they still love him?]
no subject
It's a relief that Eren doesn't snap at the touch, and his own shoulders untense when his fists relax. It's a bigger relief that even in that state, he can be reached and can calm his senses, if not his mind. Maruki pats his hand after a moment and lets go, but he stays leaning forward across the table, talking softly. ]
Some things seem to defy understanding. I'd say love is one of them. It's so difficult to see ourselves the way the people who care about us most see us, isn't it? Sometimes you just have to put your belief into their love for you, even if you don't understand at the time – but my goal is to help you understand, eventually. It isn't something that we'll get done overnight.
[ He glances around, internally winces at this not happening in an office where he's prepared, and settles on handing Eren his unused napkin in lieu of a tissue. ]
Here. You're alright, Eren-kun.
no subject
[Eren takes the napkin and sinks into his seat. He feels pathetic and small, which is how he felt the last time Maruki and he talked, and the time before that too.
[He feels very human. He wipes at his eyes and blows his nose just like a normal sixteen-year-old boy. His body feels heavy. Maybe he won't go out after all.]
I love them too...[His voice is very quiet. He doesn't know what else to say. If Maruki leaves with anything, let him leave with that.]
I wanted...to save them.
no subject
Maruki watches him fondly for a moment, then as he speaks, he busies himself with closing up the journal and tying the little leather cord around it before tucking it back into his coat, a signal that the hard part of this is over. ]
You have them here with you now. And you freely give your love to both of them. In a way, I'd say that you did save them, even if only inadvertently.
[ It's said lightly, hopeful it won't touch another nerve, and then peers carefully at Eren slumped in his chair. He looks exhausted, physically and mentally. Sleep isn't exactly restful lately, so he can't in good conscience recommend that, but he doesn't want to leave Eren in this state. ]
You did well, Eren-kun. It may not feel like it at the moment, but... I mean it, you really did.
no subject
[Maruki says he's done well, and somehow, Eren doesn't really feel the need to argue - maybe not because he feels he's done something good, but because he does very much feel like he's just done work. It's strange...]
Is this what you came here to do...? Or am I just that messed up?
no subject
[ And despite everything that has transpired throughout this conversation, he means that completely and entirely sincerely. Maruki doesn't see him as broken so much as pushed beyond any reasonable mental means by circumstances he never should have been placed in. His heart will always rebel against an unjust reality before anything else.
And just as that statement was honest, so is the one that follows. ]
Admittedly, no, I didn't come here with a counseling session in mind, but I'm glad that we were able to have one regardless. I don't take your trust in me lightly. And I want to handle these things as they come up naturally, so really, it's good that it happened this way.
[ And sure, he only ate half his dinner, but he'll take the rest back to the squatter's rights hobbit hole, so win-win! ]
double checked this with their muns just in case
It's fine. I don't mind...
[There's a bit of a pause. Eren's eyes are on his hands; they fiddle and flex.]
Do you have somewhere to go? We have extra rooms. Jean and Mikasa wouldn't mind, and there will be more food to eat too. You should stay...
SOBS ERENNNNNNNNN
[ That takes him completely off guard, all of the collected calm he puts forth in counselor mode slipping away at once. He flusters visibly, ears starting to go red, and laughs at himself in self-deprecation. ]
A-ah. Well... If I'm honest, no, I don't have anywhere to go...
[ He remembers keenly Eren's flat irritation at him skirting around the offers for free food. The hospitality really does come naturally to him – to all three of them, it seems. He has no plausible excuse to deny the offer extended in kindness, and a vested interest in creating a bit of back-and-forth so their relationship doesn't seem unbalanced to Eren.
And most importantly he has a bad back, so a more comfortable bed in a home with electricity and running water sounds like heaven. ]
You really wouldn't mind? Just for the night, of course! I'm not entirely hopeless, hah...
this is how he gets ya (by being painfully flawed but genuine)
Come here. [He stands up from the table, leading Maruki to one of the bedrooms off of the living room. It's technically Eren's, but upon entering, it looks relatively untouched. Honestly, it might be a bit funny just how Typical Guest Room it looks with its perfectly made bed and consistently ocean-themed decor; a hand-made painting on one of the walls, seashells on the windowsill, a ship in a bottle...
[(There are also a healthy amount of blades lying around?)]
When we moved in, we all had our own rooms, but it didn't last. [They never used their own rooms. Before they upgraded to a fourth, larger bedroom for all three of them, they slept in a heap on the hardwood floor in the living room for...literal months.] I don't really use this one anymore.
no subject
Thank you so much. I mean it, this is perfect. You have no idea.
[ He shrugs off his coat to hang it over the back of a chair and stretches his arms high above his head, sighing as his back cracks. ]
Ah, I hate to already take advantage of the situation, but do you think I could have a nap before they return for dinner? If I'm still passed out by then, I'm probably counseling, please kick me awake. Seriously.
no subject
[Enter: Frog, Eren's very round, orange and white cat, who promptly tries to jump onto the bed, misses, fumbles to the ground, then stares at Eren and screams.
[He scoops her up and tosses her unceremoniously onto the bed.]
That's Frog. She'll probably want to sleep with you.
no subject
[ Even the most self-sacrificial man on the planet is starting to feel the strain and would not be mad if one of his dream sessions ended abruptly. It can always be picked up again later in the true reality. Also, the last one ended in him getting pulled into the abyss by tentacles in front of Akechi, so like. Please.
But more importantly: KITTY ]
Oh!!
[ Immediately, Maruki's crouching next to the bed and holding out a hand for her to sniff. ]
Hello, Frog. Will you really join me for a nap?
[ He has a bit of a sweet Talking To Cats voice as well. Maybe it's good that Akira rarely let him see Morgana. ]
no subject
She will. All she ever wants to do is nap.
[Mikasa and Jean should be home soon, but it'll take a while to get dinner ready.
[Eren starts to leave Maruki.]
You've got a couple hours, and then I'll wake you.
no subject
[ And with no fanfare, he is going to flop right onto the bed with Frog, one little oof for his poor back and another when she crawls on top of him. He cranes his neck to watch Eren go, voice getting muffled by her truly prodigious amount of fur. ]
Thanks again, Eren-kun. See you soon.