[Eren can't look at him anymore; he can't stand the sight of that loving face. He feels sick. He remembers their goodbye. He'd wanted it to last forever. He'd ached for Jean right up until the end, and now that he's here, and they're together, all he can do is continue to disappoint him. He will always disappoint him.]
How am I supposed to stop...? No matter what I do, it's wrong. Everything I touch...[It rots.]
I'm just trying to do what you all want. I'm tired...[He clenches his fist. Here it is. Tears burn his eyes. He wipes them away stubbornly with his fists.
[Anger rises and dies in his chest. He looks so tired. His voice comes out quiet, miserable, full of hatred - for only one person this time.]
I'm tired of sitting around crying like I have any reason to feel sorry for myself. You don't deserve it.
[ Jean's heart breaks all over again. For better or worse, he managed to get under that mask. Even if Eren tries to turn away, he moves to wrap his arms around Eren, pulling him into his embrace.
He's still so short, but the way it feels is the same as if he tried to hug Eren before the end of everything. ]
You're allowed to cry and feel sorry for yourself. What you did... it was horrible. Unspeakable. You did it for us, and made yourself live through that hell as well.
[ He isn't excusing what Eren did, and that's clear. He won't condone it. But he can talk about how it traumatized Eren as well, since he saw it as his only escape. ]
Maybe you don't have a right to feel sorry according to others - but I'm giving you that right, in this house. What we want... is for you to be happy. I know that seems like it's a long ways away. One day we'll get there, together.
[Jean pulls him in, and just like he might have at nineteen, he tenses against it; doesn't break away though, even though he probably could. Jean's words are as hard to stomach as ever. Eren wants to run from them, rebel against them. He hears himself choke, feels his face twist with pain.
[It's so hard to hear his pain acknowledged. Does he even deserve pain at all? It's all he knew - hatred, grief, despair. It became him. It's all that existed for so long. All of time - the past, the present, the future - became a permanent, infinite state of a dull agony...He hasn't even told Jean that, but he knows anyway, and it's just too much. Of course he'd know. Of course he'd see him. He always sees him.
[A sob breaks out of him. He sounds like he's trying to suck it back inside.]
It never goes away, Jean. [Now, all at once, he sounds desperate, pleading. He isn't straining against him anymore, but watching his face, searching.] All this emptiness just gets worse and worse, and it won't end - it was supposed to end, and it won't go away.
[ He lifts a hand to cup it against Eren's cheek, his expression sorrowful. ]
It doesn't go away, Eren.
[ Yes, of course he knows what that's like - that cavernous, sucking darkness. It's been with him since he lost Marco, with every person who died in pursuit of their freedom. His tone is apologetic, as he curls his fingers against the side of his face. ]
You have to accept that it's going to be there, that it won't end. Watching you, sucking you in. You fill the space it's left you with other people, other things. I know you've been trying to do that.
[ Jean, Mikasa. Aubrey, Subaru, all of Eren's friends who came to his party. ]
But ... it will always be there too, with whatever you fill your heart with. You can't just ignore it, or it'll grow when you're not looking. Instead, the people with you - they give you the strength to keep going.
Edited (mixed up cr name SHAME ME) 2024-04-10 03:08 (UTC)
[All at once, Eren sounds small, pitiful. He wipes at his eyes, and he feels ten years old again.]
That's what I'm trying to do...
[See people, help people, do things, move, clean, clean - make it all clean. It isn't that he's stupid, or that he's missing entirely what Jean is trying to say, but his head is a scrambled mess. He feels more than ever like he's fighting for survival, and part of him can't understand that.]
I can't...ignore it. [His voice is thick with emotion now; the tears won't end, and he just feels more and more pitiful, lost - the grieving, angry child he's always been deep down.] It's everywhere all the time. M-my head is so messed up. It still feels like it's all happening at once.
If I stop...if I stop trying, then I lose myself...
[ Like it's happening all at once. Eren's only alluded to it, a few times, but he knows that whatever was unlocked - it means he saw the beginning to the end, all at once. ]
I don't want you to go back there either. I want you here, with me. With us.
[ What can he do to ground Eren? This place is so different, but it just being different clearly isn't helping. He pushes his hand back through Eren's hair, supporting him while he cries. ]
[It's a groan. Eren's hands rise to grab fistfuls of Jean's shirt, tightly gripping. He presses his head into the man's chest, body lurching with another painful sob. They keep coming out in spurts like that - rigid, like he's doing anything he can to hold them back; it's useless.]
[Eren thinks of Reiner too; he hasn't stopped. He doesn't dare talk about it with Jean - with anyone. When his husband says that he'll stay, Eren knows that it isn't a promise he can keep. He clings tighter - so tightly his fists are shaking. If Jean ever did disappear from this place - as much as he's tried to push him away, or convince himself that he didn't deserve him - Eren would shatter completely.]
I love you. [It sounds so desperate; like Jean is already gone.] None of it happened...because I didn't love you.
[ He cannot absolve him, will not. He also understands Eren made these terrible choices because he believed, in his love, that it was the only option available to him. And maybe it was; what does Jean know?
He can't accept that it was. But he can, at the end of the day, accept Eren. ]
I love you, so much. It's why I - I promised I'd watch over her for you.
[ It's not just that he loves Mikasa, too. He knows Eren loves her like the sun; he could never break the promise to make sure she was happy. ]
But we can do that together, here. Just like we can stay together.
[Eren takes a deep breath; his shoulders tremble with it. He lifts his head, the releasing his grip on Jean's shirt. He takes the man's face in his hands. In this moment, he feels just like he did when they said goodbye; might just sound like it too.]
Jean...
You have to know...what that meant to me. [He's still crying, but he's looking steady into Jean's eyes.
[There was no one else - no one else - that he trusted with Mikasa...]
She's your wife - I know. I'll always keep that promise.
[ He knows that 'wife' means so much more to Eren. His everything, his reason, the person he did wrong by. It's why he couldn't believe it when they told him what Eren said to her.
No, that wasn't Eren. He'd never hurt her - not intentionally, not maliciously like that.
Perhaps only Jean could understand what that meant, having lost his own everything. ]
[Eren doesn't like to think about how he treated Mikasa that day; tries not to. He'd had a reason at the time; after everything, it hardly seems important now. There's a pretty sizable part of him that wishes he'd never said it, and never hurt Armin either...
[But, then again, he knows now...that everything happened the way it did because it had to. And he's to blame for that too.]
You're my husband...[He puts his arms back around Jean, pulls him in close, lays his head on the man's chest again.]
My promise...I'm keeping it. Still...
I'm trying. [Maybe it's because there's no alternative; honestly, that's easiest to believe. But does it really matter why he's choosing to stay here, stay alive? It's what they want. It's what he told them he'd give them. And then he can have them too...]
[ He means it. Knowing Eren, like knowing Marco, indelibly changed him. It made him a better person in some ways. He loves him, is tired of hiding it - and here, he doesn't have to. ]
I'm sorry you can't rest. I'm glad that you're trying, though, even if it's just for me and Mikasa.
[ He leans down yet again to kiss the top of Eren's head. ]
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no subject
How am I supposed to stop...? No matter what I do, it's wrong. Everything I touch...[It rots.]
I'm just trying to do what you all want. I'm tired...[He clenches his fist. Here it is. Tears burn his eyes. He wipes them away stubbornly with his fists.
[Anger rises and dies in his chest. He looks so tired. His voice comes out quiet, miserable, full of hatred - for only one person this time.]
I'm tired of sitting around crying like I have any reason to feel sorry for myself. You don't deserve it.
no subject
He's still so short, but the way it feels is the same as if he tried to hug Eren before the end of everything. ]
You're allowed to cry and feel sorry for yourself. What you did... it was horrible. Unspeakable. You did it for us, and made yourself live through that hell as well.
[ He isn't excusing what Eren did, and that's clear. He won't condone it. But he can talk about how it traumatized Eren as well, since he saw it as his only escape. ]
Maybe you don't have a right to feel sorry according to others - but I'm giving you that right, in this house. What we want... is for you to be happy. I know that seems like it's a long ways away. One day we'll get there, together.
cw: strong suicidal ideation / depression
[It's so hard to hear his pain acknowledged. Does he even deserve pain at all? It's all he knew - hatred, grief, despair. It became him. It's all that existed for so long. All of time - the past, the present, the future - became a permanent, infinite state of a dull agony...He hasn't even told Jean that, but he knows anyway, and it's just too much. Of course he'd know. Of course he'd see him. He always sees him.
[A sob breaks out of him. He sounds like he's trying to suck it back inside.]
It never goes away, Jean. [Now, all at once, he sounds desperate, pleading. He isn't straining against him anymore, but watching his face, searching.] All this emptiness just gets worse and worse, and it won't end - it was supposed to end, and it won't go away.
no subject
It doesn't go away, Eren.
[ Yes, of course he knows what that's like - that cavernous, sucking darkness. It's been with him since he lost Marco, with every person who died in pursuit of their freedom. His tone is apologetic, as he curls his fingers against the side of his face. ]
You have to accept that it's going to be there, that it won't end. Watching you, sucking you in. You fill the space it's left you with other people, other things. I know you've been trying to do that.
[ Jean, Mikasa. Aubrey, Subaru, all of Eren's friends who came to his party. ]
But ... it will always be there too, with whatever you fill your heart with. You can't just ignore it, or it'll grow when you're not looking. Instead, the people with you - they give you the strength to keep going.
no subject
That's what I'm trying to do...
[See people, help people, do things, move, clean, clean - make it all clean. It isn't that he's stupid, or that he's missing entirely what Jean is trying to say, but his head is a scrambled mess. He feels more than ever like he's fighting for survival, and part of him can't understand that.]
I can't...ignore it. [His voice is thick with emotion now; the tears won't end, and he just feels more and more pitiful, lost - the grieving, angry child he's always been deep down.] It's everywhere all the time. M-my head is so messed up. It still feels like it's all happening at once.
If I stop...if I stop trying, then I lose myself...
I don't want to go back there.
no subject
I don't want you to go back there either. I want you here, with me. With us.
[ What can he do to ground Eren? This place is so different, but it just being different clearly isn't helping. He pushes his hand back through Eren's hair, supporting him while he cries. ]
Whatever I can do... to keep you here.
no subject
[It's a groan. Eren's hands rise to grab fistfuls of Jean's shirt, tightly gripping. He presses his head into the man's chest, body lurching with another painful sob. They keep coming out in spurts like that - rigid, like he's doing anything he can to hold them back; it's useless.]
All I want...all I ever wanted...was to be with you.
no subject
You have me, now. I'm not going anywhere, no matter what.
[ A promise that he can't prove he'll keep - Reiner disappearing proves that. But as long as it's within his power, he'll stay with Eren. ]
Okay? Nothing is going to make me leave. I've already seen you at your lowest, and I'm still here. I choose to be here because I love you.
no subject
I love you. [It sounds so desperate; like Jean is already gone.] None of it happened...because I didn't love you.
no subject
[ He cannot absolve him, will not. He also understands Eren made these terrible choices because he believed, in his love, that it was the only option available to him. And maybe it was; what does Jean know?
He can't accept that it was. But he can, at the end of the day, accept Eren. ]
I love you, so much. It's why I - I promised I'd watch over her for you.
[ It's not just that he loves Mikasa, too. He knows Eren loves her like the sun; he could never break the promise to make sure she was happy. ]
But we can do that together, here. Just like we can stay together.
no subject
Jean...
You have to know...what that meant to me. [He's still crying, but he's looking steady into Jean's eyes.
[There was no one else - no one else - that he trusted with Mikasa...]
no subject
[ He knows that 'wife' means so much more to Eren. His everything, his reason, the person he did wrong by. It's why he couldn't believe it when they told him what Eren said to her.
No, that wasn't Eren. He'd never hurt her - not intentionally, not maliciously like that.
Perhaps only Jean could understand what that meant, having lost his own everything. ]
no subject
[But, then again, he knows now...that everything happened the way it did because it had to. And he's to blame for that too.]
You're my husband...[He puts his arms back around Jean, pulls him in close, lays his head on the man's chest again.]
My promise...I'm keeping it. Still...
I'm trying. [Maybe it's because there's no alternative; honestly, that's easiest to believe. But does it really matter why he's choosing to stay here, stay alive? It's what they want. It's what he told them he'd give them. And then he can have them too...]
I will...
no subject
[ He means it. Knowing Eren, like knowing Marco, indelibly changed him. It made him a better person in some ways. He loves him, is tired of hiding it - and here, he doesn't have to. ]
I'm sorry you can't rest. I'm glad that you're trying, though, even if it's just for me and Mikasa.
[ He leans down yet again to kiss the top of Eren's head. ]
no subject
[It has to be enough.]
no subject
[ He looks at the dishes that still need to be cleaned, the food set out on the counter - and decides, fuck it. ]
Let's go lay down, for a little while. We can pick this up later.
no subject
It's a mess...
[Still, he takes Jean's hand, even as he continues to watch the kitchen counters.]
good wrap point?
[ He squeezes Eren's hand softly, leading him back to the shared bedroom. ]